My friend Jibé and I call it exit 12, even though he's talking about boys. Exit 12 coming up, that's what we text each other when we start itching to break up, when love feels like an assault, when we've had enough. We tell each other to hold off for a minute, don't do it on an empty stomach, go for a swim, take a walk around the block, practice belly breathing. And then once it's done, we support each other, we congratulate each other, we comfort each other. We know what this says about us. We're not stupid. He and I understand one another without saying a word. I've done a lot of break-ups via text. Sometimes I meet up with them, when they're really invested, when there are things that need to be returned. I give as few reasons as possible, no real explanation. I try not to back down, try not to give in, I wait for it to be over, for them to get tired of talking. I've never been slapped, nobody's ever made a scene. It's afterwards that they get mad. That they start to hate me. That's when the texts come streaming in, the calls from an unknown number, the emails at 3:24 or 5:17 in the morning. What can I do about it if I don't like them anymore, if I don't want them anymore, what can I do, what can they do? Don't they feel it too, the stress, the problems, the niggling doubt, when they tell me they love me? Where's the violence inside them, where's that impulse, that side of life, of truth? I'm tired of myself, too, of course I am. Tired of falling apart so fast, so soon, tired of people, tired of things. Tired of relapsing every time, like a junkie looking for the next hit, two days later, two months, then waking up one morning feeling like I have a hangover. It can be exhausting, loving this way.

17

They're always talking about their parents, sometimes even before sex or breakfast. Do all girls do that? I'll have to ask my guy friends. I don't want the next one to tell me about her childhood, about her family, I want to find someone who doesn't care or has a different way of talking about it or at least waits a while before bringing it up. I want to find a girl who has something else to say, something else to tell me about herself.

18