I spent Christmas in Touraine, at my dad's. I showed up on the afternoon of the 24th, I went to Super U before it closed. I walked up and down the aisles, there were steaks and ostrich fillets in trays, turkeys, enormous things to feed twenty people, I didn't know what to buy. I got two beers, some foie gras because it's Christmas, some bread to make toast, probably some kind of ready-made dessert, I don't remember. We had dinner at eight o’clock, I gave him some presents, a perfume I stole from Bon Marché and the whole Dune saga with a yellow sticker on the front saying Gibert Jeune Special Offer. He said he was sorry he didn't get me anything, I said, Don't be silly, there's no need. He went to bed, I stayed up watching TV, I thought about all the people sitting around with their families, bored shitless, I felt lucky. I told myself there was nothing especially sad about the fact I wasn't with Paul, the fact that I hadn't spoken to him in almost a year, the fact that I didn't know where he was, that I wasn't able to call him or give him any gifts. It was my second Christmas without him. Did it make a difference whether or not it was Christmas? I hoped he wasn't thinking too much about it either. The cat that's always hanging around came to say hi. Merry Christmas, cat. The only pussy there is around here. I made a joke to lighten the mood.

19

Darling,

Don't listen to anyone who makes a big deal about us not seeing each other. Don't listen to anyone who says you must be missing me or tells you how sad you must be. Don't listen to anyone who gets uncomfortable when people talk about me or the situation or any of those things. I know you know you shouldn't listen to anyone else and that people say all kinds of things, you're pretty good at ignoring them, letting them say what they want.