We sat at Sprinkles for almost two hours. Partly because talking, and ordering, and Alex takes his time ordering and eating, but mainly because we had a really nice time.

Afterwards I walked them back to the thrift shop, and guess who we ran into outside Tesco?

Miriam Patel.

And Mrs. Patel, who must’ve had a facelift since I last saw her, because no one could possibly be that surprised to see me.

Miriam: Oh, hi, Phoebe.

Me: Oh, hi, Miriam.

Miriam: I’m out shopping with my mum. What are you doing here?

Me: I’m just out with my friends.

Miriam (looking at Emma and Alex, clearly judging): Oh, hi, I’m Miriam.

Me: Miriam; Emma, Alex. Emma, Alex; Miriam.

Emma and Alex: Hi.

Me: Anyway, we’ve got to go.

Miriam: Yeah, we have to go, too. Bye, Phoebe, see you next week.

Me: Yes, bye, see you next week.

And then I dragged Emma and Alex away, and I was just like: “Oh my God, that was Miriam Patel. She’s in my year, and she’s horrendous. She’s always really nice to your face, but as soon as you’ve turned your back, she’ll slag you off.” And then Alex went: “Takes one to know one,” totally suggesting I was doing the same thing, so I was like: “Oh, shut up, Alex,” and then Emma started laughing, and she ended up laughing so hard that she literally cried.

Thing is: Of course he’s right. I was doing a Miriam Patel on Miriam Patel, which means I can sink no lower.

And now I’m really worried that Emma thinks I’m actually like that, because I’m not. I’m the least two-faced person I know. Fine, I often say things, and people are like: OMG, Phoebe, you can’t say that, but nine times out of ten they were thinking it, too.

11:44 P.M.

Found this, written by a person called Thomas Moore: “Eyes of most unholy blue.”

Friday, February 23 #SocialMediaHell

Yes!!! Instagram follow request from Emma. She doesn’t hate me. But I obviously can’t accept straightaway, because that’ll make me look proper desperate.

I’ll wait until midnight.

I’ll finally be able to stalk her.

Four hours to go.

Why is this so stressful?

8:59 P.M.

Bored.com.

Three hours to go.

11:10 P.M.

Watched crap telly with Kate and already fell asleep once.

Fifty minutes to go. I can do it!

Saturday, February 24 #LukeSkywalker

4:15 A.M.

I can’t believe I fell asleep. Emma’s gonna be like: Why has she accepted my follow request at 2 A.M.? Anyway, I did, and now I can’t go back, and apparently I can’t go back to sleep, either.

The last time I went to such lengths to Insta-stalk someone was with Polly when she needed to know every last detail of Training Wheels’s life.

Thing is, after spending all that time I’ll never get back looking at Tristan’s Instagram, I knew everything about him.