I hate that I’ve become this pathetic human who is looking for her self-worth, or some sort of salvation, in someone else’s eyes.

I hate that I’m unhappy when I’m not with Emma, and I also hate that I feel like I’ve swallowed a bucket of popping candy when I’m with her.

I don’t want someone else to make me happy, because what happens when they are no longer there to do it?

Look at Mum. I obviously didn’t know her when Dad was alive, but from what Kate’s been telling me, I know that when he died, Mum changed. And now she’s running away from everything and everyone all the time, and when she stands still for a moment, she’s got to be the center of attention, and who’s actually really like that?

And what would happen to Polly if Tristan left her? Or worse, if he left her for someone else?

I don’t want to be that weak.

I can’t give that sort of power over my life to another person.

I wonder now what’s easier: being in love with your partner, or not being in love with them.

Maybe there’s a point to an arranged marriage.

Wednesday, July 11 #TheBlindLeadingTheBlind

Polly and I had Starbucks in Kingston today.

For some reason, things escalated, and she ended up telling me every detail of her sex life, and now I know what Tristan looks like without any clothes on.

I also know everything about the curvature of his penis and that the tiny hole on the end is slightly off-center.

Oh my God.

Then she was like: “Honestly, Phoebe, I can’t wait for you to fall in love. I think it would be hilarious.”

That’s the moment I figuratively dropped the ball, and because I didn’t say anything straightaway, Polly suddenly shot up from her seat and was all in my face like: “Shut. Up.”