Kate (whispering): You know you’re going to have to work for me all next year, too, to pay off Richard if you want to give him to Emma.

Me: I won’t have time. I’ll have school.

Kate: You had school this year.

Me: Do you think I can ask Mum to give me Russian lessons for my birthday?

Kate: Are you changing the subject?

Me: No. I was just thinking about when I’m back at home.

Kate: Don’t go back home, Phoebe. I’ll miss you. Why don’t you just live with me?

Me: Mum probably wouldn’t even notice.

Kate: Phoebe.

Me: What? It’s the truth.

Kate (hugging me, squeezing me, kissing my face): It isn’t, but just so you know, I love it when you’re here, and I always hate it when you go back home, because I looooooove you, you wonderful, wonderful human. (then, whispering again) When are you going to tell Emma you fancy her?

Me (extracting myself from her iron clasp): Shut up. Never.

Kate: Phoebe, I know you’re a bit awkward, but you’re not a coward.

Me (whispering): Oh my God, thanks for the compliment. She wouldn’t fancy me back anyway.

Kate (eyebrows up):…

Me (whispering): What?

Kate (whispering): She clearly fancies you.

Me (heart beating totally out of control): Fuck off.

Kate (whispering): I’ve known her longer than you.

Me (whispering): And that’s why you can read her mind?

Kate (whispering): Fer goodness’ sake, Phoebe, stop being such a fuckwit.

Me (whispering): Besides, even if she did fancy me, which she doesn’t, I don’t do all that. Because I can’t.

So I walked back into the living room, head throbbing, with our cups of tea, and when I looked at Emma, she looked at me with her beautiful eyes, all smiling and happy and perfect, and all I could think was: All things aside; I couldn’t be with you, because I couldn’t be without you after that.

Emma: Are you okay?

Me: Yes, fine.

Kate made me walk Emma home at nine as usual, and when we were outside her house, Emma hugged me, but I was all physically awkward again, like “Argh!” but with my limbs.

Emma: Have I done anything to upset you?

Me: No, why?

Emma: Because you’ve gone all quiet.

Me: I’m always quiet.

Emma: Okay.

Me: Okay. See you next week.

Emma: Yes, see you.

And as I turned to walk away, she went: “Phoebe, wait.”

And then she kissed me.

On the lips.

For one, two, three seconds.

Just like that.

I ran all the way home.

PS: Now what?

PPS: I just researched kissing on the internet, which was difficult, because it appears Emma’s quick peck on the lips has literally left me visually impaired.

But anyway, there’s no evidence that ancient humans (hunter-gatherers/the Egyptians) kissed.

Apparently modern hunter-gatherer tribes even find it revolting.

The most recent kissing-related evidence goes back to an old Hindu text that describes it as inhaling each other’s souls.