Bill: You would break into my house?

Pat: I did break into your house.

Bill: I will call the police.

Pat: You will do no such thing.

Half-designer kitten: Meowwwwwwwwweeeeeee.

Emma (holding it up and into Bill’s face):…

Kate: And before you say no, let me tell you that I have neither the time nor the patience, let alone the money, to look after any more cats, and this one I can’t get rid of, because it’s not a pure breed, and it’s a cranky little shit, and since you’ve decided to never leave your house again, I’m giving it to you.

Bill: I can’t have animals.

Kate: Don’t be ridiculous, this is your house, you can do whatever ye like.

Kitten: Meeeeowwwwweeeee.

Emma: Please, Bill, look, she’s so sweet.

Me: And if you don’t like her, you can always drown her. But don’t tell Emma.

Pat: Are you going to invite us in, Bill? Or shall we leave the kitten on your doorstep?

Me: Like baby Jesus.

Emma: I think that was Moses.

Pat: It was neither.

Bill: You mean Mowgli. From The Jungle Book. He was an orphaned human and raised by a different species.

Kate: Great. There you go, then. This is Mowgli, but she’s a girl. Mowgli, this is Bill. We’ve brought cat litter and food. Phoebe, put all that down right here. Any questions, just give me a call. Let’s go, team.

Emma put the tiny kitten into Bill’s ginormous hand, I put down the litter and the food, and then we all turned around and walked towards the car.

Before I got in, I looked back at Bill holding the kitten, and I could hear it meowing. It was like the opening of The Lion King: epic.

Kate dropped off Pat first, and then she was like: “Emma, do you want to come in for a cup of tea? See Richard?” And Emma was like: “Sure. If that’s okay.”

But I was thinking: Remember the list, remember the list, remember the list. Emma at the house means total disregard of four points out of five.

Unfortunately it was out of my hands, and so I thought: Well, the only thing I can do is stay on guard.

Richard galloped towards Emma when he saw her/heard her voice, and she picked him up and kissed his squashed-up little face.

I went into the kitchen to make tea.