That kind of thing.

Jaehee’s fifth or sixth man had dropped out of a technical school where he’d been learning about fixing boilers and was now going from club to nameless club, allegedly a DJ. My eighth or ninth boyfriend had also been a “DJ” in Itaewon. There were so many DJs in Seoul that I wondered if there ought to be some regulating association that handed out licenses in order to ensure quality spins. But the one I met had a big dick, lots of tattoos, put on good music when we had sex, and was just the right amount of stupid, which allowed us to shape up into a pretty normal couple for a little bit. But two months in he said he loved me but couldn’t bring himself to love me when I was drunk (when I’d sing on the street and kiss him and curse and make a scene before inevitably collapsing into tears at the end) and therefore couldn’t see me anymore, which left me with a very rational grudge against all DJs. Jaehee, who had no inkling of my complex feelings, spoke about her new boyfriend with a face filled with joy and animation.

—His hair is so long he has it in two braids. He looks just like a doll. It’s hilarious when we have sex.

She showed me a photo in which he didn’t look at all hilarious, with his cruel gaze that made me think he’d turn into an asshole on a dime. He kept insisting Jaehee bring Jieun (aka me) to the club because he wanted to see my face, but Jaehee would always bluntly refuse.

—She’s really, really shy.

Really, really shy Jieun was actually sneaking a look as she sat down at a table next to Jaehee and her boyfriend, eavesdropping on them and discreetly glancing at the man to size him up. His manner of speech, facial expressions, everything about him gave me a bad feeling.

—Jaehee, why do you like that guy?

—I don’t know, because he treats me well?

—You’re only giving him the time of day because his dick is big, right?

Jaehee’s face looked like Moses’s gazing at the burning bush as she asked me how I knew that, and I replied out of jealous spite:

—It’s my God-given talent.

Marveling, Jaehee confessed to me that I was right, the only thing he had going for him was the size of his genitals, to which I spake unto her that he was surely of lowly consequence and that she must leave him and return to the light, whereupon she vowed to offer up any man she met thenceforth to me for inspection, grasping my hand and gazing at me like a true believer. Nodding sagely, I embraced Jaehee’s poor soul.

And, unfortunately, my God-given talent was proven once again.

I had come home from classes one day to find Jaehee’s face as white as a sheet. In her hand was a home pregnancy test. Not even putting down my bag, I looked right at the two lines on the small window. My jaw dropped.