She shrugs. “How you’re doing. How your company’s doing. If you’re getting married. If you’re happy. That kind of stuff.”

“Oh.”

So maybe he isn’t repulsed by my behavior. Maybe that sloppy, impulsive attempt at a kiss didn’t totally doom us. If that’s the case, then what he said—that he wasn’t upset with me, but he simply needed to be my first choice—must be true. Everyone deserves to feel like someone’s first choice. Everyone deserves to feel chosen and cherished. And that makes me realize something else.

“Blake is wrong for me,” I blurt out.

Carmen cocks her head. “What?”

“Blake is wrong for me,” I repeat, feeling more and more sure of myself. “I should’ve figured this out earlier. But if I have to beg him to marry me this weekend, that’s not okay. If he were right for me, then he’d be sprinting here now to walk down that aisle. He’d forgive me for hiding a secret from him. Or maybe I would’ve felt so comfortable with him from the start that I never would’ve had to keep that secret. I mean, I’ve always been honest with Raj.”

Carmen simply nods. “Yeah. Honesty. That’s how relationships are supposed to work. Like, if you’re a normal person.”

I give an exasperated sigh. “Yeah! But I didn’t think I necessarily was a normal person! I thought—I wanted to think—that I was doing something out of the ordinary and it was going to be worth it. I thought I was sacrificing a regular relationship for something even better. I mean, god, look around. Every day, another girl we know announces that she’s going to settle down for a boring life with some bland lawyer or a dude who thinks that lifting weights counts as a personality. And then she gets married, changes her name, and only posts wedding photos on Instagram for the rest of her life. I don’t want to be one of those girls. Are we supposed to think that any of them are actually happy?”

By the end of my rant, I’m close to shouting. I sound desperate, like I’m trying to rationalize my long string of missteps to myself. Carmen’s eyes widen in alarm. She tucks her hair behind her ears and leans forward, like she’s winding up for a speech.