ILikeToBeChoked91: I would have punched that dude, too.

ClevelandHotWaffle: Oakley! I have a great opportunity for you. If you’d like to make extra income while working on your phone, join my #Bossbabe empire.

TheKentuckyKlondikeBar: #TeamOakley #TeamAmanda #FuckBodyShamers

Smashturbating: I got pregnant just looking at this photo.

What? How did they know about… I quickly started searching, and it didn’t take me long to find what had everyone buzzing. A full video of what happened last night was uploaded by a girl I didn’t recognize. Based on her Instagram feed, she obviously attended USC, but I had never seen her before. I clicked on it and watched with a frown, shame filling me up as the embarrassing debacle played like a movie before me.

It hurt to watch, but it also angered me. And apparently, it angered others, too. The hashtag #FuckChuck was trending across various platforms. A quick check of my email showed that a few news sources wanted an exclusive with Oakley. I reached for Oakley’s phone and saw hundreds of missed calls, the latest one from Dale.

On a whim, I called him back. “Dude, where are you? Our flight leaves in an hour,” he answered in a rush.

“Hello, Dale,” I scolded like a sinister villain about to feed her opponent to sharks. “I’m so glad we could talk.”

“Fuck, Balls. I’m so sorry. I just wanted to see a girl I went to high school with. A man has needs.”

Yep. I was going to kill Dale. “That is the most bullshit excuse I’ve ever heard in my life. You got a right hand, Dale?” I asked.

“Yes, ma’am.”

“How about a left hand. You got one of those?”

I could feel his shame through the phone. “Yes, ma’am.”

“Next time you think about ruining somebody’s future for some pussy, I want you to wrap one of those hands around your tiny little cock and do the two bump chump into a tissue like normal horny assholes.”

“I’m more than a two bump chump—”

“I highly doubt it,” I snarled.

“But I fixed it! Didn’t you see the video?” he sputtered.

“You uploaded that?” I asked incredulously. “How?”

“The girl I was with. She caught it on camera, and we bailed when the cops showed up. You probably didn’t see us. I figured if everyone knew the truth, it would help.”

I let out a slow exhale. “And you didn’t think that I wouldn’t want my naked video to go viral?” It was mostly blurred out so people couldn’t see the actual footage, but I bet it was only a matter of time until it resurfaced.

“Well…” he replied, dumbfounded. “No. No, I didn’t. Want her to take it down?”