‘Yes, he does, of course he does, he knows fuck all, he misses you, you are his father for fuck’s sake, nothing is going to change that, in his head, it’s in his head, at least not until he’s older and he can understand and asks and we will explain. Won’t we? Will we? Ever?’

What was in Jacob’s head was Jacob’s truth. The facts didn’t change that because he didn’t know. Jacob didn’t know. Ever’s father didn’t know. Ever was lost.

‘Hello, Ever, can you hear me? Hello?’

He found himself.

‘Yes.’

‘Did you hear what I said about the father thing?’

Why did she have to continue with that thought, and why couldn’t she have just left it without it having the explaining problem attached? That had now presented another situation, another issue to be addressed.

‘Yes.’

Was all he could summon.

‘We’ll just explain one day, won’t we?’

‘But yes, yes of course.’

He didn’t know why he began those words with a But.

But the cab was arriving.

‘Hang on, I’m just getting into a cab… I’m going to Bunker Hill Avenue, Chinatown.’

He said addressing the driver. Clarissa shouted.

‘Why the fuck are you going there? Bit early for spare bibs.’

‘You mean ribs?’

She laughed, he liked to hear her laugh. He liked people laughing.

‘Too much kid stuff. Kid stuff all the time.’

‘I’m going to meet someone to do with my father’s will. I still have things to wrap up, you know, I’m not just pissing around.’

That wasn’t all a lie.

‘Love you both, and miss you, I’ll be back in about a week.’

That was a lie. Though not all of it.

‘I’ll let you know what I’m doing.’

That was also a lie.

‘Are you OK?’

He wanted to pass the focus over.

‘Yes, but I am just a fucking mess Ever. My life just feels a mess. I’m sorry to call. I’m drunk and I’m an idiot and I should never have done… one day you will understand.’

‘I do understand, already I do. I know why you did what you did.’

His hand was rubbing his thigh back and forth in a pattern that he had to keep up till the phone call ended. He tried to end it.

‘I’ll call tomorrow. I do try, you know, and you don’t pick up.’

‘Sometimes I turn my phone off, I just can’t face shit. Not all the time, I am in a different space than I was, you know, where I was.’

He was not concentrating now. Only on his leg.

‘I love you babes.’

Oh fuck, don’t call me that. Did he say that or think it?