I missed her so powerfully I thought I might collapse. It was like an imploding star in my chest. I wanted only to hear her voice on the phone, her incredulous guffaw. I wanted to wait at the door while she searched for her keys. I wanted to feel her hand on my back while I dried the dishes. The thought of her final moments, the fear she must have felt in the road, was almost too much to bear. I could imagine the hard asphalt against her cheek. The sight of her own blood. The vibration of the passing cars, and the streaking lights. All of it, sucked into the past, never to return.

The waiter came and filled my water glass. The ice tinkled against the rounded walls. I could hear Alissa laughing with the hostess near the bar. They laughed again, two jolly women, and the candle’s flame shivered. I sipped my water, trying to calm myself down. Already, the moment was passing. Already, I could tell, we were moving on.

Benny

BENNY

I WAS VISITING MY MOM in Clackamas when she told me Benny’s dad wanted to see me. She mentioned it in passing, in the middle of making us turkey sandwiches for lunch, as if there was nothing more to it than neighborhood pleasantries.

“Benny’s dad?” I said warily. I hadn’t seen him in years, but I remembered him well. He was a real asshole, as I recalled, full of big ideas about honor and propriety that he’d dutifully inflicted on his sons. When Benny and I were kids, I’d witnessed my share of pyrotechnics in that house, and I’d come to think of his dad as one of the main causes of all Benny’s problems over the years.

My mom knew how I felt. According to her, though, Benny’s dad had mellowed since I’d last seen him. She said he spent most of his time tutoring at the library now.

“He just wants to talk to you about Benny,” she said. “That’s all.”

“What do I know about Benny?” I said. “I haven’t seen him in ages.”

“He’s worried,” she said.

“Probably for good reason.”

“Do what you want,” she said, handing me my plate, a few spears of carrot on the side. “I’m just telling you. He’s sitting over there and he’d love to see you.”

She didn’t have to say anything more. She was a peacemaker and she’d always had a soft spot for Benny, like she did for all underdogs. I told her I’d check in with Benny’s dad when I had a chance.

After lunch I installed a new thermostat, and then, conveniently, my mom took a nap. With nothing else to do, I wandered out the back door and before I knew it, I was crossing the yard to the rear gate.