“I gotta go,” I tell her. “Got an errand.” I toss some cash on the counter for her. Even more than usual. I’ll be back, of course I will. But it might be a minute. And even when I am, it won’t be the same. I know it won’t. We both know.

I step to the sidewalk, and hurry on my way. It’s pickup time. I’ve agreed to walk the girls to and from school while Melody is recovering. It’s a good thing to do. I need to spend more time with Sheila anyway. I’ve been focused elsewhere, but losing Shae makes everything different. Guys in my line of work don’t tend to live to old age. If I’m lucky, I got five, maybe ten years left, before there’s a bullet with my name on it.

Can’t spend it waiting. Waiting to get arrested. Waiting to do what’s right. Waiting for a woman. Waiting to die.

Melody gave me this book by Huey P. Newton. It’s called Revolutionary Suicide. I been reading it. Turns out, it’s got nothing to do with killing yourself. It’s about how we’re all dying. Every minute. It’s all about deciding how you want to go down. Or, what you’re gonna go down fighting for.

Huey says guys like me can be more than the labels the world puts on us. I get to decide who I am. I’m the leader of the 8-5 Kings. That makes this my neighborhood. I can do my part to make sure people can walk the streets safe. Not shoot-’em-up style, going toe to toe with the cops, like I thought. Nothing doing. I’m gonna start me an organization.

I’m not the type to take my fortune and retire to an island. Nah, I’m going out in a blaze of glory, and I’m gonna enjoy the ride.

The sun is shining. I got a good coat. I got money. I got a good woman. I got a little girl waiting who loves me.

TINA

Sometimes

when I first wake up

I forget for a minute

that Shae is gone.

I plan out what I will say to her

when we meet

on the corner of the street.

The thing I say will be funny

and Shae will laugh and laugh.

Sometimes

when the light is right

and the world is quiet

I can squint my eyes

turn off my mind

pretend I hear Tariq’s voice.

Tina, he says,

Whatchu squinting for?

When I open them

he’s gone.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS