Sutton supposed there was a monster lurking inside their dead son’s nursery, jaws gaping, saliva dripping off sharp fangs. She wanted it to take her, to rip out her throat, leaving her unable to breathe on the floor, drowning in her own blood, and so she stepped inside, ready and willing.

Nothing happened. Just sadness, and emptiness. She didn’t die.

Isn’t that the problem with loss? You don’t get to go with death when it comes for your loves.

Suddenly industrious, she began putting things away, blankets into drawers, tiny blue onesies onto miniature hangers in the closet. They kept the diapers on the top shelf. With something so quickly used, so easily disposed of, she had never bothered unpacking them into the cute diaper box she’d received at her shower.

She reached for the cardboard. At the very least, she could donate the diapers to the shelter. Diapers weren’t part of her son’s life. They were generic, expendable, anonymous. She couldn’t get emotional about a fold of fake cotton meant for shit and piss.

She was tall, able to reach all but the last box. She grabbed the three-step stool from behind the closet door. Pulled the last one from the dark recess. Her knuckles brushed something hard. It fell over with a quiet clatter.

She dropped the diapers on the floor and climbed up one more step, so she could see. There was a bottle on its side, small, brown, a pink label. She picked it up and examined it. Children’s Allergy Relief. The bottle was nearly full, but not new. It had been opened.

Sutton’s heart began to race. She had not bought this medicine. So why was it here, in Dashiell’s closet, hidden deep in the closet, behind the diapers?

She clutched the bottle to her chest and snuck to her office. Ethan was around; she’d heard him banging on something earlier. He couldn’t see this. She needed to know. She needed to know, now.

The words on her computer screen, fractured because she was reading so fast. Not for use under 12 months. Excessive sedation. Overdose. Warning. Never give infants sedatives...

And because she had to torture herself, she typed in the words: infant overdose Benadryl symptoms. The results were immediate and overwhelming.

Death of Infant Attributed to Sedative Overdose

Babysitter Charged in Dosing Incident

A Mother’s Warning after Babysitter Murders Infant with Sedative

She clicked on the last story, scrambling now, heart in her throat. Read the piece. Saw the words that changed everything.