And just like snap I know: Ma’s gate was missing one hinge must be careful when the way to be careful when opening Ma’s gate is use both hands Much fun in Ma’s yard So many wild

Ma holding picnic basket rushes over whacks me with basket I laugh and laugh and

Ruth is there Ha, Ruth! I recall you! O pretty Ruth lies at base of tree I just have am blotto have just ​ knocked Ruth right Ruth, on ground, holding stuffed bear I gave her: You break my heart, Elliott, I wouldn’t marry you if you were the last

Ma: El, sweet Jesus. You drink and drink and do such crazy

Grab bear from Ruth throw bear on grill.

Bear burning ring I bought Ruth still taped to paw.

Look at you, idiot! Ma says. Is that who you are? Give me those goddamn keys.

Go out gate to my Electra brand-new Electra.

Ma drops gray head so sad Helps Ruth up.

Blink.

Little sick, recalling that.

Is that man me, now? Would I, man I am now, knock down Ruth, throw bear on grill, get in Electra, drive to Tom’s Dizzy Oasis, get further blotto?

No.

If I could go back in yard? Would take bear from fire Pull ring off bear Give ring to Ruth, saying: Ruth, sorry, let us love each other forever.

But Ruth married Philip, moved far away I recall I now recall.

If Ruth not gone Ma not death I would say: Ruth, Ma, the me I was then is not the only me I may ever There is a me under that me who yet wishes to do lovely in this magnificent

Watch, Ruth: Watch, Ma: This new me in what time he has left?

Will try.

I go through gate using both hands Am out of yard into (ha ha, I now recall it): lot vacant lot Never have I been so alone with myself while outside! knees hurt no spring chicken.

When will I death? Might I death alone? Probably yes Little scared about that. I must say

But am not death yet

Not dead yet.

Not yet.

And not yet.

World lays out before me new with each click of step and swish of aspen leaves above for that I say thanks For as long as world is shiny new there is no death and what lovely may I not yet do?

Here is cactus Word I know from long-ago cartoons watched with Ma These west trees (I know like snap) are not my old east trees that I knew by heart: sycamore, dogwood, beech I do not, as yet, know west’s trees’ names ​ western trees’ names But will will soon can learn am learning all the time.

Know: night, star, moon

Know: walk, know hide

Know: path and little bit smiling take it.

My House

MY HOUSE