Letters to Cathy

Hello…

Welcome to my first nonfiction book… which is really all about YOU! I think you’re going to like it!

I was an agony aunt on a young teen mag for twelve years, and always wanted to write a problem-solving book to help girls get through those difficult growing-up years. I never did it, and finally ‘retired’ from the agony aunting as my books had really taken off…

The trouble is, I get WAY more letters and emails now than I ever did as an agony aunt, from kids who identify with characters or situations in the stories. Although I do my best to help – I even created a special help page on my website, in conjunction with the fabulous ChildLine – it’s impossible to cover everything in one short email reply. A few readers suggested writing a book like this, and that seemed like the perfect answer… a growing-up guide for girls, Cathy-style!

As the letters and emails you’ve sent me over the last few years are obviously personal and confidential, for this book I have changed situations and details to protect your privacy. I’ve changed the names too, for obvious reasons; I flicked through my notebook and picked out some of the cool names ‘donated’ by readers at recent events, so if your name appears, thank you!!! (And sorry if I’ve ‘given’ you a tough problem to solve!)

To everyone who has shared their problems by letter or by email, thanks for trusting me, for being brave enough and smart enough to ask for help. Thanks for inspiring this book. Whatever your worries – whether it’s friends, family, boys, confidence, school or something else completely – I hope you will find some answers here!

Growing up is not a picnic… it can be tough, it can be testing, it can even turn your world upside down. I know, I was a teenager once too… and yes, I made just about every mistake in the book!!!

You know what, though? In spite of it all, life is good. Being a teen – or pre-teen – is pretty cool. You are on the edge of something truly amazing, creating a life for yourself from scratch. You’re a work in progress!

I hope this book can make it a little easier for you. Read it, and think about the ideas you find inside. Learn from your mistakes, get inspired, start dreaming, make some changes. Anything is possible, everything is still to play for… and yes, dreams really can come true.

That’s a promise!

Cathy

xxx

Books by Cathy Cassidy

For older readers

DIZZY

DRIFTWOOD

INDIGO BLUE

SCARLETT

SUNDAE GIRL

LUCKY STAR

GINGERSNAPS

ANGEL CAKE

DREAMS AND DOODLES DAYBOOK

For younger readers

SHINE ON, DAIZY STAR

PUFFIN BOOKS

Published by the Penguin Group: London, New York, Australia, Canada,
India, Ireland, New Zealand and South Africa

Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

puffinbooks.com

First published 2009

Text copyright © Cathy Cassidy, 2009

Illustrations copyright © Cathy Cassidy, 2007, 2009

Additional illustrations copyright © Sara Flavell, 2008, 2009

Every effort has been made to trace the copyright holders of material produced on
pages 256–257. The publisher would like to hear from any copyright holder not acknowledged.

The moral right of the author/illustrator has been asserted

Except in the United States of America, this book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the publisher’s prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser

ISBN: 978-0-14-193922-3

To my readers…

This one’s for you!

Contents

1. Friends Forever?

Making Friends / Keeping Friends / Falling Out

2. Growing Up

Body Matters / Girl Talk / Skin Deep / Mixed-Up Feelings

3. Boys, Boys, Boys

First Crush / Taking Your Time / Love Hurts / Breaking Up

4. School Daze

School’s Cool! / Teacher’s Pet? / Teacher Trouble / Work It Out / School Blues

5. Beat Bullying

Don’t Pick On Me / Sticks and Stones / Speaking Out / An End to Bullying

6. Confidence Tricks

Accept Yourself / Making Friends With You / Look for the Good Stuff! / Get Happy! / Do it Anyway! / Get Lucky!

7. Being Yourself

Who Am I? / Style Matters / Let It Out / Peer Pressure / Role Models / Being Different / No Such Thing as Perfect

8. Dream On

Big Ideas / Fame at Last / Making It Happen

9. Family Matters

Super Strict? / Brothers and Sisters / Problem Parents… / … and Parent Problems! / Patchwork Families

10. Sad Stuff

Bereavement / When Someone is Ill / Scary Stuff / Broken Families

11. Things That Don’t Help

Don’t Worry! / Little White Lies / Self-destruct / Rebel Rebel / Looking for Love? / Hurting Inside / Food Wars / Running Away

12. … and Things That Do!

Negotiate! / Talk It Over / Expert Help / Feeling Understood / Express Yourself! / Get Moving! / Believe It or Not… / Back to Nature / Good Stuff! / The Fab Five

1. Friends Forever?

Friendship is one of the most important things in our lives. It’s the glue that sticks us together through good times and bad. A real friend will be there for you through the best and the worst of times, loyal, caring, thoughtful, fun. Good friends are a little like family, and a best friend can often be the person who knows and understands you best in the world.

So, are friends forever?

Well, sometimes. At this stage in your life, you’re growing up, changing, working out who you really are… and sometimes, that means outgrowing old friends. It can take luck, hard work and effort on both sides to keep a friendship strong. And sometimes, no matter what you do, things fall apart…

Making Friends

Dear Cathy

My friends all went to different secondary schools and I’m struggling to make friends. I need help fast!

Tammi, age 11

Cathy

I’m going to be moving to a new high school in the middle of the term, miles away from my old school and friends. I’m dreading it. Everyone will know each other and I know I’ll never fit in…

Sumayya, age 13

To make new friends, you have to be friendly! You have to take a risk, make an effort, try talking to people you may not know very well. Smile, chat, ask questions, give compliments, listen, support… and make it a part of who you are. You’ll soon make new contacts, and slowly, from there, new friendships may develop.

If, like Tammi, you’re struggling, try mixing things up a little. Rather than rely on her classmates, Tammi could look further afield – join lunchtime clubs or after-school groups. She should choose a club or group that interests her – drama, art, sport, athletics, dance, debating, maths, music, whatever. That way, she’ll be meeting people she already has something in common with. Working on something together, whether it’s a play, a concert or a netball match, brings people together and breaks the ice.

Tammi wants some close friends, but true friendship takes time to develop. She needs to be patient… those new friends are out there!

Starting a new school mid-term, like Sumayya, is not easy, but it can be a great way to meet new mates! She may not enjoy being the centre of attention, but her new classmates will be curious and interested, and most will want to make her welcome. Sumayya will have to take a deep breath and make sure she sees the change of school as an opportunity to make new friends, not a disaster that is ruining her life. She may not have chosen this, but it’s happening – and her best option is to accept that and make the most of it.

So, how do you make new mates? For some people it’s easy, for others a nightmare, but one thing’s for sure – if you’re feeling lonely, you need to get out there and make some new connections.

Why do some people collect new mates the way the rest of us collect zits and split ends? Watch those people and you’ll see that they have skills that literally attract others to them!

• They are open, confident and friendly.
• They smile!
• They are kind, supportive and generous.
• They are genuinely interested in others.
• They take time to chat about anything and everything.
• They give and receive compliments easily.
• They remember names and details.
• They are enthusiastic!
• They are upbeat, positive and fun to be around.
• They are interesting… They have things to talk about!
• They are not afraid to make plans… and include others in them.

Maybe those are qualities we could all work on having!

Keeping Friends

Hey Cathy

My best buddy has moved away and although I have other friends, it’s just not the same. I cry myself to sleep sometimes because I miss her so much.

Lissi, age 10

Dear Cathy

Last month I moved to Spain with my family. I’m settling in better than I thought, but I’ve noticed that already my old friends don’t write, ring or email as often as they used to. I don’t want them to forget me! What can I do?

Karis, age 12

Being separated from good friends is hard, as Lissi and Karis have discovered. Nobody wants to lose touch, but long-distance friendship can be a challenge.

Both Lissi and Karis need to keep the lines of communication open with texts, emails, messaging, letters and phone calls. Make plans to visit or meet up in the future, so you have something to look forward to and talk about. Websites like Bebo and Piczo are good ways to stay in touch with distant friends, as you can post pictures too!

Lissi is feeling left behind and lonely, but turning back the clock is not an option. She needs to focus on her remaining friends, arranging cool days out, sleepovers and fun times, making an effort to move on and start enjoying life again.

Karis is feeling hurt that her old friends aren’t in touch as regularly as they once were. Again, the way forward is to get more involved in her new life – worrying about her old friends will stop her from moving forward and giving new friendships a fair chance.

Both of my two best friends live hundreds of miles away from me, yet we’ve managed to keep the friendships strong. A good friendship can survive separation, especially if both of you are determined to stay close, but some friendships will fade. Don’t beat yourself up about this. Hang on to the happy memories and move forward – the world is full of friends you haven’t met yet.

Cathy

Please help me. I have just had an argument with my friend – she said that I wasn’t pretty enough to get a boyfriend, and this really upset me. It feels like she’s just trying to hurt me and I don’t know why!

Fiona, age 11

Jealousy isn’t called the green-eyed monster for nothing! Don’t let it mess your friendship up. Fiona’s friend is almost certainly feeling insecure – she’s lashing out at Fiona to make herself feel better. Not a great plan, obviously! Fiona needs to be honest and let her friend know how hurtful this comment was.

It can feel scary to confront a friend when you’re feeling upset, so think out what you want to say first. Stick to talking about how you felt and avoid accusations – that won’t help, and could make things a whole lot worse. Let your friend know you need her support and, hopefully, you can come through this kind of straight-talking chat feeling closer than ever.

Do say: ‘I feel upset about what happened between us. What can we do to fix it?’

Don’t say: ‘I’ll never forgive you for treating me this way!’

Do say: ‘I’d like to understand more about why you said what you did. Can you explain what made you feel that way?’

Don’t say: ‘Why are you being so bitchy?’

Do say: ‘How can we make our friendship stronger?’

Don’t say: ‘I’m so sick of you! Forget it!’

Hi Cathy

My best friend is great at a lot of things like dance, drama and singing, but there’s nothing very special about me. I feel really dull and boring, like I’ll always be in her shadow.

Nina, age 12

Nina is letting envy poison her friendship, and that’s seriously bad news. Part of her jealousy stems from lack of self-esteem – she doesn’t see her own cool, unique qualities because she’s so busy feeling envious of her friend! Nina feels outclassed, but friendship is not a competition… real friends admire and support each other’s talents and good qualities. Nina has to start rating her own good points and learn to feel happy about them… then she won’t feel so threatened by her friend’s talents.

Dear Cathy

My friend Shanie has got in with a bad crowd. She doesn’t seem to bother about school any more, and she’s started smoking. She says it’s no big deal. I’m really worried about her.

Hasmita, age 12

Dear Cathy

My mum doesn’t approve of my best friend and hates me hanging out with her. My bezzie can be a rebel, but she’s a great friend and is always there for me. I wish my mum could just see that.

Leanne, age 14

Sometimes, a friend seems to go right off the rails. Hasmita is right to be concerned – a sudden change of character can signal problems at home. She could try letting Shanie know she’s worried – if there is something more behind this, Shanie may just find the courage to open up about it. Often, an attempt to help a friend who is heading for trouble can meet with a brick wall, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t at least try – it shows your friend you care about her, and that’s important. If that happens here, all Hasmita can do is step back – and be there as a friend if and when Shanie needs her in the future.

Leanne’s mum may seem disapproving, but her concern, like Hasmita’s, stems from worry. She sees Leanne’s friend as a bad influence, someone who may drag her down, wreck her life, mess up her school record, lead her into all kinds of trouble.

Leanne needs to realize that her mum loves her and is trying to protect her, but also knows that her friend is loyal and supportive. She should talk to her mum about this and encourage her to get to know this girl properly. Leanne may not totally change her mum’s mind, but talking things through can only help.