The theoretical underpinnings of my thesis were predicated on the intertextual conversations between life and literature. Not only is there no text in my classroom—and no Fish in my text—but there is nothing outside the text either. It makes no sense to talk about the author’s intention, when the author, and his or her life, are merely texts feeding into the text that exists on the page.

My rape was nothing more than a text that John Coetzee chose to feed off for his novel. How could I blame him for that? A student of literature with my level of sophistication did not boggle for an instant at the dialectic involved. I could understand it and make peace with it for the simple reason that I was never at war with it.

* * *

Do I blame John Coetzee for creating a fictional child for me? One that I had to take the blame for aborting?

Of course I do. I blame him every day. The harassment I put up with would never have occurred if he hadn’t written about me, and if his book hadn’t become so ubiquitous. Disgrace is that rare thing—the literary novel that is also popular and widely read, even by people who don’t usually read fiction. He turned my rape into a spectacle and me into a public figure.

People thought I was fair game. That I had somehow chosen to put myself in the public eye to be commented on and criticised. An astonishing number thought I must have been paid for my role in Coetzee’s book. They still do. No amount of protesting or demurral can convince them that I haven’t profited from the book. A disturbing number of these people are related to me. They ask for handouts at family gatherings. They send me emails asking me to help put their child through university now that I am rich.

I don’t understand why Coetzee did what he did, and I will never be at peace with it.

CHAPTER 5

Did I benefit from Coetzee’s book? Yes, I suppose I did. As South Africa’s most famous rape victim, I get invited to speak on panels all the time. These aren’t the kind of invitations you get when you are an impecunious graduate student. I’ve had enough of those to know the difference. Those invitations ask you to speak at a conference that stretches across two or three days. At most they might pay for your airfare, but often not. Your accommodation and board are never included, and there is no honorarium. In return for your intellectual capital, they will promise you “exposure.” You will take up these offers again and again because you need to attend a certain number of conferences each year to fulfil the conditions of your bursary.