The truth is that Constantia University is in disarray. It is riven by factions that loathe each other with an intensity that permits no middle ground. You have the black radicals who believe that the sight of a white person should come with a trigger warning. They disrupt university events, demanding that nothing may proceed until all white people have been cleared from the room. When invited speakers in the form of Black Consciousness icons object to this policy, they are condemned as Uncle Toms who have lost their edge and relevance.

Then you have white students from Sandton and Newlands who chose Constantia University precisely because there weren’t all that many black students there. These white students vote for the DA and support a person they refer to as Moosie. Imagine their surprise when the black students who do go to Constantia turn out to be more militant than their most fevered dreams could have imagined.

And finally, you have the vegans. This tiny but vocal minority disrupts staff meetings to protest the presence of doughnuts made with palm oil on the menu. When management points out that it is sustainable palm oil, they say there is no such thing. They equate factory farming with #BlackLivesMatter and the Holocaust. Of the three factions, the vegans are the smallest, but the least reasonable.

The hope is that this SAPIENS conference will have a unifying effect on the faculty and student body. I am sceptical, but have agreed to participate. The latest rumour is that John Coetzee may join the conference via video link from Adelaide. This is enough to ensure my attendance. Berating John Coetzee over video link may be less satisfying than in person, but it remains a strong incentive.

The morning starts out well, with the first session of the day proceeding in a haze of self-congratulation. It is about African literature in translation. The panel of translators speak about the challenges facing them in transcribing local vernacular expressions into European languages, and about the drive to produce more literature in African languages. It is a subject everyone can agree on. The only enemy in the room is the straw man of monoglot neo-colonialism, and he is easily defeated.

Then comes tea time, and the miasma of goodwill is threatened by the vegans. The snacks are strictly vegan, with no palm oil in sight, but it has come to someone’s attention that the syrupy filling inside some of the Danish pastries is not syrup at all, but honey. The vegans threaten to mobilise and disrupt the pre-lunch session. The omnivores say this is ridiculous and that we are all “bending over backwards” for the vegans. The vegans wave photographs of murdered calves in their faces, and the omnivores ask what the fuck calves have got to do with honey. The vegans accuse the omnivores of species-ism because the lives of insects are as valuable as the lives of mammals.