Was that a little forward?

Maybe.

But he’d started it, so…

DICK GUY: LOL. Thanks. As far as dicks go, I’m pretty proud of it.

ME: You should be. Although your picture-taking angle is a little off. Hold the phone flatter against your stomach for maximum effect.

DICK GUY: Thanks for the tip. I don’t usually send these kinds of pictures, so that’s the last time I use online dating apps after watching a football game with the guys.

ME: Yeah. Bad idea, dude. I’m guessing she gave you the wrong number.

DICK GUY: Unless you’re the blonde girl I was chatting to at 2am, yeah.

ME: Not even close. My hair is purple.

DICK GUY: Thank fuck for that.

DICK GUY: Anyway, again, I’m really sorry… apologize to your boyfriend or husband or whoever for me.

ME: Nobody to apologize to. I’m single. It was an honest mistake.

DICK GUY: You’re being pretty nice about this.

ME: Like I said, nice dick. *shrug emoji*

DICK GUY: Six billion people in the world, and the person I sent it to is someone who compliments me. LOL. Thank you.

ME: You’re welcome. I believe in complimenting someone every day.

DICK GUY: Solid idea. Well, I’ve never seen them, but I’m sure you have great tits.

I burst out laughing. He wasn’t wrong, in my opinion. I did have great tits, especially depending on the bra I wore, but I wasn’t going to share that anytime soon.

ME: Thanks. If I was a picture sending type, I’d send one to thank you for the presumptuous comment, but I’m not, so you’ll just have to imagine a great pair of tits and attach them to a bodyless, headless person with purple hair.

DICK GUY: I’m not the picture type either, but we all make mistakes while under the influence of beer and your team winning.

ME: I didn’t think football season had started yet.

DICK GUY: College football. I played once upon a time and like to yell at everyone that they’re doing it wrong.

ME: Don’t tell me you were the quarterback.

DICK GUY: All right, I won’t.

ME: Ugh. So cliché. The quarterback has a great dick. That’s been written in every football-themed romance novel ever. Nobody ever cares about the big guys in defense.

DICK GUY: None of the guys I’ve played with have had abs. According to years of dating, abs are important.

ME: They’re certainly a bonus. A bit like winning the lottery. Five balls are great, but they’d be better with the bonus ball.

DICK GUY: Interesting analogy. I assume great tits work the same way.

ME: Obviously. I’m a fan of equality. Like eating a salad for dinner and a slice of cake for dessert.

DICK GUY: Again, solid idea. Sounds like you have your life figured out.

ME: Not at all.

DICK GUY: We seem to have a lot in common.

ME: Except a nice dick. I don’t have one of those.

DICK GUY: I don’t have nice tits, so again, even.