Failure—perhaps one has to have experienced it to grow truly strong, and to reach the deep inner person. Cornelius is becoming an extraordinary person now, because he has been stripped down to his essence here. I sense that he has reached a point of something like despair. He begins to believe that he may never really get over this stroke. We must get to a doctor soon, but Cornelius resists. Is it simply that he fears the effort? I trust his sense of himself. I don’t want to badger him. When he gets tired or tense, his speech falters. Walking is still a supreme effort, to get him up and down stairs. More than once I have been grateful for Nick’s help. I am going to get a wheel chair, and should have done so before this. I feel so stupid often! I am slowed down myself, let the day go by just keeping things going—haven’t the extra push to think ahead. But tomorrow I am going to town and get a wheel chair. With people who are ill, imagination is everything. I feel I have failed Cornelius often because I could not imagine myself into him. And he never complains. When he is cross with me it is only a sign that he is battling with himself, against depression, against—perhaps—fear. Even in this time of our greatest intimacy since my first baby was born and we spent a marvelous summer in France, there is still so much we can’t talk about, so much that each of us must come to terms with alone, and in his own way.

Cornelius teases me about Eben, but I think it is only a way of telling me that he loves me, a kind of flirtation. Could it hurt? Should I not see Eben at all? No, that is absurd, truly absurd when we are all so old! What am I thinking of?

Chapter 4

CHAPTER 4

The visit to Boston came upon them sooner than expected, as John suddenly announced that he would come up that very weekend, and the simplest thing seemed to be for Christina and Cornelius to drive back with him on Sunday afternoon. After so long a time, the idea of even a brief journey (they would be away only twenty-four hours if all went well) was agitating, and Christina was busy on the telephone making arrangements, first with the doctor, who was fortunately able to get a room for Cornelius at the hospital, then to have a chauffeured car available to drive them home.