APPA: That’s impossible.

JANET: What’s impossible?

APPA: The gay, Asian, fat?

JANET: Appa, there are Asians who are gay, y’know?

APPA: I know, but the gay Asian is never fat. Only skinny Asian is the gay. That’s rule. Shhh.

10. Hapkido

MIKE: Me find it in da back.

MIKE comes to the counter with a tub of Vaseline.

APPA: Oh, Vaseline. You using for feet? I using for feet. My heel get hard and cracking. Vaseline make smooth.

MIKE: Right.

APPA: Tallies up the total on the cash register. $4.65. (MIKE gives APPA a twenty.) Thank you. Okay, I give to you change.

APPA closes the cash register and comes around to the other side of the counter, standing between MIKE and the door.

MIKE: Wa gwan?

APPA: I have you change here my hand. I give to you change, you give to me what you steal.

JANET: Appa!

MIKE: What?!

APPA: Give to me what you steal, I give to you change.

JANET: Appa!

MIKE: ’Cuz me black, y’accusing me of teefin’?

JANET: No! I’m sorry, sir —

APPA: To JANET. Janet, stay back. (To MIKE) No, I’m not accuse you. I’m tell you, you is steal.

JANET: Coming forward. Appa, stop it! (To MIKE) Sorry, he’s got a weird sense of —

APPA: Janet! (JANET moves.) Give to me what you steal from back of store and I give to you change.

MIKE: Excuse me, but —

APPA: No, I don’t excuse you. You have no excuse. You living in Canada, you is healthy, you is smart, you is good boy, you have no excuse to steal.

MIKE: Ya making big mistake —

JANET picks up the phone.

APPA: No, you making big mistake. I know hapkido. You know hapkido? It’s Korean fighting style. That’s big mistake for you. Now, you want something, you pay. You can pay cash or you can pay I kick you ass.

MIKE attempts to run. APPA grabs his arm, twisting it, sending MIKE to the floor in a submission hold.

MIKE: AH!

APPA: Empty pocket. Empty pocket!

APPA applies pressure to MIKE’s arm.

MIKE: AH! (MIKE takes a pack of razors out of his pocket.) Please don’t hand me over.

APPA: You didn’t pay for this.

MIKE: Please, me sorry. (APPA applies pressure to MIKE’s arm.) AH! Please don’t hand me over.

MIKE takes a pack of toothpaste out of his pocket.

APPA: You didn’t pay for that.

MIKE: Please.

APPA: “I am steal from you store, Mr. Kim.” Repeat. “I am steal from you store, Mr. Kim. Please forgive me.” Repeat!

MIKE: I am steal from ya store, Mr. Kim. Please fahgive me.

APPA: “Dear Jesus.”

MIKE: What? (APPA applies pressure to his arm.) AH!

APPA: Repeat. “Dear Jesus.”

MIKE: Dear Jesus.

APPA: “Please forgive me I am steal from Mr. Kim.”

MIKE: Please fahgive me I am steal from Mr. Kim.

APPA: “Help me be good example to black kid.”

MIKE: Help me be a good example to the black kids them.