Sebastian took a swig of his fairly warm beer and grimaced. His life had been a hell of a lot simpler before Tyler had forced him to start dating again. Well, he amended, he was going to have run into Via DeRosa again regardless of Tyler’s pushiness. He was probably always going to have ended up with this crush.

Seb started pulling the label off his beer bottle, careful not to leave any glue behind. He wondered if he would have had a crush on Via even if Cora was still alive. He’d first met Via in the weeks after Cora’s death. He couldn’t even remember it. Most of those early weeks were a complete blur. He was pretty sure that Matty’s grandparents, the Sullivans, had brought him to and from pre-K for the first few months, though Seb had very little memory of that time. He’d continued to go to work at the architecture firm. He’d barely eaten. Barely showered. Barely spoken.

He was grateful that Matty didn’t really remember that time. He didn’t want Matty to think of him that way. But he realized, with a twisting pang in his gut, that if Matty didn’t remember that time, then he wouldn’t remember his mother either. And Seb desperately wanted Matty to remember Cora.

Cora’s parents were rigid people, good with Matty, but hardly the kind of people who wanted to reminisce about their daughter. Sebastian’s parents were nostalgic people, but they were snowbirds who basically disappeared from Seb’s and Matty’s lives for everything but the summer months. Tyler brought Cora up every now and then, and so did Mary, but honestly, Seb often felt like Cora existed only within the confines of his own memories. And that terrified him, because she’d been such a force when she was alive. She’d changed every room she walked into. Injected every space with a sour-bright burst of energy and command and intensity. Cora had always reminded Sebastian of a Warheads candy. So sour it hurt, but still you wanted more.

She hadn’t been easy to be married to. Neither had he. They’d been making it work. He could see now, though, that he and Cora had been sprinting to keep up with their lives, with each other. He, more than anyone, knew that you could only sprint for so long before you gave out. Seb wondered, painfully, if he and Cora would have figured out how to jog. Long haul.

He couldn’t picture her at anything but breakneck pace. He’d been shocked at how quickly her flavor had seeped out of his and Matty’s life. She was such a strong presence and then suddenly, terribly, she’d been gone. And there was so little of her left.

Seb wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. He didn’t allow himself to wonder if Cora would think he was doing a good job with Matty. He knew for a fact that she would be surprised. Because when she was alive, he’d been a subpar father. Often absent. Around for the fun parts and gone for the troublesome parts. And then right after she’d died, he’d been a terrible father.