“You didn’t get me a darned thing, did you?” I said very growly.

Mother looked angry at me. “I give up!” she said. Then she went back into the kitchen.

Daddy said that I owed her a ’pology.

A ’pology is when I have to say the words I’m sorry.

“Yes, but she owes me a ’pology, too,” I said. “Because a baby isn’t a very good surprise.”

I made a wrinkly nose. “Babies smell like P.U.,” I explained. “I smelled one at my friend Grace’s house. It had some spit-up on its front. And so I held my nose and hollered, ‘P.U.! WHAT A STINK BOMB!’ And then that Grace made me go home.”

After I finished my story, Daddy went into the kitchen to talk to Mother.

Then Mother called me in there. And she said if the baby smells like a stink bomb, she will buy me my very own air freshener. And I can spray the can all by myself.

Except not on the P.U. baby.

“I would like the one that smells as fresh as a Carolina pine forest,” I said.

Then me and Mother hugged. And I sat back down at the table. And I finished eating my dinner.

Except not my stewie pewie tomatoes.

And so guess what?

No dessert, that’s what.

²/_{The Dumb Baby’s Room}

Mother and Daddy fixed up a room for the new baby. It’s called a nursery. Except I don’t know why. Because a baby isn’t a nurse, of course.

The baby’s room used to be the guest room. That’s where all our guests used to sleep. Only we never had much guests.

And so now if we get some, they’ll have to sleep on a table or something.

The baby’s room has new stuff in it. That’s because Mother and Daddy went shopping at the new baby stuff store.

They bought a new baby dresser with green and yellow knobs on it. And a new baby lamp with a giraffe on the lamp shade. And also, a new rocking chair for when the baby cries and you can’t shut it up.

And there’s a new baby crib, too.

A crib is a bed with bars on the side of it. It’s kind of like a cage at the zoo. Except with a crib, you can put your hand through the bars. And the baby won’t pull you in and kill you.

And guess what else is in the nursery? Wallpaper, that’s what! The jungle kind. With pictures of elephants, and lions, and a big fat hippo-pot-of-something.

And there’s monkeys, too! Which are my most favorite jungle guys in the whole world!

Mother and Daddy pasted on the wallpaper together.

Me and my dog Tickle were watching them.

“This wallpaper looks very cute in here,” I told them. “I would like some of it in my room, too, I think. Okay?” I said. “Can I? Can I?”

“We’ll see,” said Daddy.

We’ll see is another word for no.

“Yeah, only that’s not fair,” I said. “’Cause the baby gets all new junk and I have all old junk.”