Vern said, “Your temperature was too high, nearly hit one-oh-five. Holland said it would be best to keep you on the ground, where it was cool. And we wanted you close by in case we had to call the helicopter and have you choppered out.”

“I guess that would explain why I’m almost naked.”

“Well, no,” Vern said, scratching at the side of his maroon hat. “You did that all on your own. And you were totally naked until I wrangled those undies on you.”

“First off, they’re called boxer briefs, and second, what do you mean I did that all on my own?”

“I’m not going to lie. You did some pretty weird stuff.”

“Like what?”

“This, for example.” Vern handed me his cell phone, then reached down and pushed play with his finger. On the screen, I’m naked. I’m on all fours and crawling around. I can be heard shouting, “He was a spunky hanky-panky cranky stinky-dinky lanky honky-tonky winky wonky donkey.”

I scrunched my eyes, sighed deeply, then said, “And this went on for how long?”

“Quite a while.” Vern moved his finger across the screen. “Four minutes and seven seconds to be exact.”

I considered telling him about Clark, the book, and our pony rides, but I didn’t have the energy. I did ask, “Any more videos?”

“That’s the only one I took. Roth took some footage of you as well, but he claims he deleted it all.”

I nodded, then took another drink of water. I asked, “Is it safe to assume every single person at the camp has seen my penis?”

He didn’t hesitate. “Yes, it is.”

≈

My bones no longer felt like they were going to break in half, but I was still in considerable pain. I had eaten half a pouch of a freeze-dried meal, and I had swallowed four Advil, but they had yet to kick in.

With Vern’s help, I made my way back to my campsite. I pulled on my extra pair of pants and a clean shirt and crawled into the tent.

I had just lain down when Andy’s face appeared in the tent opening. “Hey there, slugger,” he said, his wispy orange mustache still as pathetic as it was two days ago. “I hear you’re feeling a little better.”

“I was for a little while, but I’m starting to feel like shit again.”

“You want me to let you sleep?”

I could tell from the look in his eyes that he wasn’t at my tent to make a social call.

“Naw, come on in.”

He climbed into the tent. He had his cell phone out, and I said, “Don’t tell me you’re here to show me footage of me prancing around naked, because I don’t think I can handle any more of my dong flapping around.”

“I’m not.”