The mantra was something about keeping up appearances and believing that God would make things right again and that you shouldn’t be upset or act like anything is wrong because that might bring someone else down or make them upset. It was about acting like you were already in the place you wanted to be in or something. She couldn’t remember the exact line, but the sentiment of it came back to her, flooded her with the approximation of its meaning (vivid, this feeling, clear and strong, but impossible to pin down, you know, just like God was, so that was ok and was a comfort) and then suddenly she knew everything would be ok. She addressed the grating feeling in her soul and told it (her soul) that this feeling would not be around for long, or forever, and that things would be back and up and in working order in a jiff.

She almost vomited.

Megan came back in with a cup of coffee.

“Hey,” she said.

“There were no calls while you were out,” said Jillian.

“Ok,” said Megan.

Later on in the day, near the end of the day, Jillian said, “Oh, hey, Megan, I just wanted you to know that I’m going to be out of the office on the 31st, ok?”

“Uh, yeah, that’s fine.”

“Because I have a court date.”

“Ok.”

“It’s for child support payments. I’m going to see if I can get my ex to start helping me out with day care and stuff. It’s eight hundred dollars a month, can you believe that?”

“Uh, no, wow, that’s more than twice my rent.”

“It’s absurd. And with all of the toys and clothes and stuff, and things for the dog, it really adds up, you know?”

“Yeah, I guess so. That’s just one of the reasons I’m glad I don’t have pets or children.”

“Yeah, what are the other reasons?” asked Jillian. There was heat in her voice.

“Time. Also time. And, uh, I guess the idea of being pregnant and having a baby grosses me out.”

Megan shifted uncomfortably in her chair.

“Oh, no, it’s wonderful! It’s hard, but it’s so great. You’ll be a great mom some day, just you wait.”

What does she think she’s saying to me? thought Megan. Megan wanted to stand up and hysterectomize herself with the letter opener while screaming and then throw her uterus at the wall above Jillian’s desk just to show Jillian how wrong she was about that.

“Yeah, I don’t think I ever want children,” said Megan.

“Awww,” said Jillian.

Do you pity me? thought Megan. You pity me? She tried to rein herself in.

“Hey, what kind of coffee’d you get?”

“It’s just black coffee,” said Megan.

“Ugh! Gross! Haha, you don’t like to get anything sweet in your coffee?”