It wasn’t planned. They’re far from ready. They remind themselves of this. It was the last thing on their minds. They remind themselves again and again of this. They live in a flat carved hastily out of another, bigger flat; partition walls bisecting windows in odd places, a too-steep staircase with gaping open risers, a radiator behind the fridge-freezer, 111a terrace that’s just a few metres of stapled, asphalt-sheeted roof. Adjo’s only just finished the arduous seven years’ study and she’s still freelance; they can barely afford to juggle their masses of debt with the rent. They want to get engaged, and married. To travel: to India, maybe, or Thailand. Their tenancy agreement specifically states: No babies, right under the clause that says No pets. And yet. When they saw the pink line, faint at first, then darkening, the surprising thing they felt was joy. Terror, of course, and disbelief, but yes: joy. She felt her soul – her actual, indisputable soul, something she’d never really thought about before – swelling up until she felt too small to contain it all.

Monday, and Tuesday. Deep inside of her, infinitesimal numbers are conscientiously doubling, or falling, in their intricate, mysterious patterns. Tomorrow they’ll know. Online, people talk about ttc after mc. They used to say to wait, but now they say no need, in fact, don’t wait, nature compensates and your body’s more fertile. Within a month, within a couple of weeks, you could have your bfp again. She consumes the message boards in surges of self-disgust. It makes her feel squeamish, the hunger of these women. The way they pick through carcasses of intimate detail, for any shards of hope. The thought she might one day be one of them. Other things people say online. That even if a soul barely flickers on this astral plane, a week, a few days, it’s still you it’s chosen as its mother. That food should be mild, unctuous, and never stale or spicy. That damage to your 112root chakra can cause reproductive problems, as well as a more existential problem of not quite feeling, anywhere, at home. That the Law of Attraction aligns us to a reality that matches the way we feel, so that longing, much-wanting, must by its very nature lead you to an experience that lacks what you desire, or else how could you continue to long and feel more want? That everything happens for a reason, because what a cruel world it would be if we could only learn through pain, and how confusing the lessons if they only broke our hearts.