Dear Princess Aurora of New Jersey,

So. This is awkward.

Mostly because I told you we should leave it to fate, and here I am, writing to you, which is essentially flipping fate the finger while driving slowly by its house after trashing its locker.

I decided I don’t want to leave things to fate. Feck fate. I don’t know it personally. Why should I trust it?

Anyway, I’m not writing to you about our contract. Forget about it. Well, obviously, don’t. I still have it. But I’m trying to give fate a nudge in the right direction.

Thing is, I’ve been thinking, and perhaps I was a bit rash in my decision not to try this whole long-distance thing. What harm could it do? Let’s try.

Also, I would like to point out that I haven’t been my flirty self lately. Apropos of absolutely nothing. The edge is gone, I suppose, and anyway, it’s never been about the sex, I hope you know. It’s more of a validation thing. I suppose you won’t relate, because you’re brainy and fantastic and go to college and have terrific tits.

Are you still thinking about your father? Stupid question. Of course, you are. I’ve thought about your da a lot since you left. Not in a weird way or anything. Mam says our loved ones that have passed away are watching us, sitting on fat clouds, which is grossly inaccurate and improbable, as you know, seeing as you’ve been on a plane and above the clouds. But I’d like to think, especially for you (and a bit for me, because I’m not completely heartless when it comes to my own late da), that they are watching us.

But not all the time, because I do enjoy wanking and taking shits without an audience, and cannot possibly see that changing anytime soon.

Busking is good. Two music producers from the UK tried to buy my songs, but there’s just something too bittersweet about being poor and talented and struggling. Once I have the taste of the money, I’ll be a goner, and I still want to enjoy what I do.

I don’t want to blab, so I’ll leave it at that. How have you been? How is college? Do you have any plans for the holidays? Christmas?

Have you ever had a mince pie? (It does not, in fact, have mince in it.)

Attached are some stamps for you to use to send me back a letter. I know the student life can be financially challenging and such.

Love,

Like,

Faithfully,

Mal

Dear Rory,

I realize I might’ve come on a bit too strong in my previous letter. Perhaps talking about the ghosts of our fathers seeing me wank was not the best way to start up a conversation. I don’t know. I’m new to this whole pen-pal thing.