i’m supposed to spend my life with,

but it’s too soon to tell and maybe i’m just crazy.

i say, i finally feel like i’m my own person, like

i’m really starting to figure out who i am.

and she smiles, of course she does, and in her mind

i’m sure she’s patting herself on the back for a job well done.

i walk around my undergraduate campus

and i notice how the leaves are changing,

in their shades of orange and red and yellow.

i don’t remember paying them any attention

in years prior, but this time i take a photo.

my brother asks me why;

i simply say i’ve stopped walking

with my head down and started living.

—when it all lines up

recently, you’ve felt so much calmer than you usually are. everything used to make you nervous—would you be enough? were you asking for too much? were your expectations too high? were you rushing things?

but now, calm wraps around you like a warm blanket. the anxious thoughts you’ve been so well acquainted with for years are quiet.

it’s strange, this gentle equilibrium you’ve found for yourself, but you are comforted by it. you don’t know what choices you made to bring you here, but you’re grateful you made them all the same.

the peaceful silence that comes with certainty is one of the best gifts you’ve received in a long time.

the devil

there are people

you will encounter

out there in this world

who will drain you.

it could be over the course

of five minutes or five years,

but they will leech the joy

from your heart.

and some of them

will be wrapped up

and topped with pretty little bows,

dainty lips over sinister grins,

gentle, soft hands with

fingers crossed behind their backs,

and you will want to trust them.

you will want to believe

they are good for you.

but you will feel the light

inside you dimming

ever so slowly,

and you cannot ignore that.

no matter the high

their attention may give you,

i promise you it is not worth

the low you experience

when you lose yourself.

don’t let anybody fool you into thinking that putting yourself first when you need to is wrong. if the person you love acts as if choosing yourself is a crime, as if following your dreams is a slight against them, as if you cannot be your own person, understand what that means. it is not love; it is control. they don’t love you. they love the way it feels to have you trapped under their thumb.

SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT:

how much time

have you wasted

trying to make

other people happy?

how much of your life

has been spent

giving the love

you should be giving

to yourself,

to those who don’t

deserve it?

i had to leave because it was

i could spend my whole life with you—

after you change,

and not

i would marry you right now,