In her office, we sat across from each other in silence. She was close to what I’d pictured, but the differences were stark enough to notice. Her hair, dark brown—expected—I’d imagined cut into a blunt bob, but it was long and thick, and she wore it gathered into a bun at the nape of her neck. I wondered if I would ever see it untied, hanging loose over her shoulders. I imagined I had a lot of time. I had pictured her more matronly, but she was only around forty and slight. Her eyes, which were unremarkable in my imaginings, were in reality a startling blue green.

Her gaze didn’t leave my face, but it was soft, and I felt comfortable in it. The silence was warm and soothing and slow, like we were lounging in a bath together. I almost laughed at my bizarre association, but I knew she would ask me what I was laughing about, so instead I kept quiet, giving myself a few more moments to look around the office.

It had a certain resemblance to Freud’s. Though she sat across from me, there was a chair positioned behind the couch on which I sat, so that when I began to lie down for sessions, as I assumed I soon would, she would listen out of sight. There were no antiques; she’d pinned up more innocuous artwork—a woven tapestry, a scenic photograph—so as, presumably, not to provoke any outlandish projections. I was sure they would come anyway, unbidden.

I wondered if she would speak, or if she would wait until I spoke first. Why don’t you tell me what brought you here today? she might say. I had said very little in my message, just that I needed her help, and when was the soonest she could fit me in? Would you like to tell me about your encounter with Sigmund Freud? Of course, she wouldn’t know to ask this, though it was part of the reason I had called. But I wasn’t sure I was ready to talk about all that yet. I knew I wasn’t. I needed to start earlier, years earlier. I needed to start at the beginning.

“The first time I came was at the opera,” I said, and she didn’t so much as blink, so I continued to speak.

Acknowledgments

Acknowledgments

I am grateful to the many people who helped shape this novel and who buoyed me through its creation.

Thank you to my agent, Stephanie Delman, whose determination to find this strange book a home matched my own, and who is one of the most perceptive people I have been lucky enough to know. Your support, patience, and reassurance gave me sustenance.