“I sure as hell didn’t bid on those. I’m not that desperate to find a man. I’m not you.” As you could probably tell, we have a mutually snarky relationship, as proved by her cutting clapback. “But my mom threw my name into the hat to be funny and now look what’s sitting on our counter.”

“And the reason you haven’t put them down the garbage disposal yet is...?”

“Because I thought it would be fun for us to go,” she says matter-of-factly.

“You thought it would be what?” I nearly choke on the string cheese snack I’ve helped myself to. “Are you feeling okay, Casey? Is the tattoo ink seeping into your bloodstream by chance?”

Casey gets up from the couch to refill her cup of ice water. She’s wearing a size XL Slayer T-shirt as a dress with a choke chain and Dr. Martens combat boots. The cool thing about Los Angeles is that one man’s freak show is another’s fashion icon.

“Yeah, why not? The tickets are good for free booze, food, and boys. Sounds right up your alley, to be honest, Char.”

“Hmm, let me think about that. Speed dating, Sperry’s, and endless SoCo Limes. Forget about my dating habits, Casey. I’m not sure you’re going to find anyone even remotely interesting to you at this thing. But the good news is I bet you could flip those on Craigslist for a pretty penny.”

I pick up my phone and check my work email. On Mondays, TIF caters in a casual lunch as a little “thanks for not calling in sick and giving yourself a three-day weekend” perk. The “Free Meal Monday” menu gets posted over the weekend in time for everyone to submit an order. This time, I see that it’s Chipotle. While I’ve been known to house an entire bag of chips and guac myself, I haven’t had their food in almost five years and it’s a streak I’m vowing not to break come Monday.

“I’m not flipping anything,” Casey says, snatching my phone from my hands as I respond to the email with Nothing for me. “Pay attention, lady: we’re going on the stupid cruise next week because I registered us about an hour ago and we’re not exempt from the hundred-dollar cancellation fee if you back out. So put it on your calendar and get your red lipstick ready, girlfriend. We’re going.”

I wait for the noise of ice crushing from the freezer door to stop so she can clearly hear my reply: “No, thank you.”

Casey and I don’t hang out much. Read: at all. I mean, of course I see her around the apartment every single day, but she’s not the kind of girl you spill all your dirty secrets to or with whom you’d go to the movies and see the latest Nicholas Sparks tearjerker. I’m frankly a little surprised, albeit flattered, she took the initiative to choose me as her plus-one to the singles cruise.

“Oh, come on. It’ll be fun, Char. Quit thinking of it in terms of all the guys who won’t be our future husbands, and instead, think of all the people we can make fun of! How about if I put it like this: I’ve run it through my Asshole Algorithm and statistics show we’ll have solid material for at least six months.”