The ceremony that followed was irreverent, joyful, and occasionally vulgar, but it was also depressingly touching. Miles and JoJo were clearly head-over-heels for each other, and the guests—me and my cynical boyfriend aside—were clearly head-over-heels for them and their future happiness.

“JoJo,” said Miles, looking legitimately glisteny-eyed as he kicked off the exchange of cloying sincerity that made you really miss love, honour, and obey. I mean, sure it was outdated and misogynistic, but at least it was short. He swallowed. “JoJo,” he tried again, “when we met, I was in a…in a dark place.”

Oh, poor you. If you give me some of your fifty grand, I’ll buy you the world’s smallest violin.

“But,” Miles continued inexorably, “you showed me how to be happy again. You came into my life like a bolt of sunshine. You make me feel safe and loved and seen, and I know that I’m a better person when I’m with you.”

Considering the kind of person he’d been when he was with me, that was a pretty low bar.

“You’ve given me so much: your generous spirit, your dauntless heart. You’ve filled my days with joy and my nights with a frankly astonishing collection of fancy lube.”

Pause for laughter. Eye roll.

Miles continued gazing at his husband-to-be with intense devotion. “I love you, JoJo. I always will.”

I stole a look at Oliver. It was his blankest face. And that was oddly reassuring.

“Miles.” JoJo gazed back. “You’re my rock. You’re the best, kindest man I’ve ever known. Except, of course, for my amazing Patreons—I’m kidding, I’m kidding.”

Another pause for laughter. Although I liked to think he wasn’t joking. Miles deserved to marry a man with sponsored vows.

“I was lost when we met,” JoJo went on, “but you found me. I’d forgotten how to believe in myself, but you remembered how to believe in me.”

Mean Oliver leaned over and whispered as softly as he could, “Have I developed spontaneous aphasia or are they just saying words at random?”

“You should object,” I told him.

“You know it doesn’t work like that.” He paused. “Especially because this is a wedding.”

“I was lonely,” JoJo went on. And on. “And now I’m not. Because I’ve got you, and I know you’ll always be there for me, and you’ve made me happier than anyone ever has.”

Oh God. He was crying and not in an artful gets-me-clicks way. He actually meant every word of this, and as usual, I was being a prick.

He dabbed at his eyes, smearing his rainbows a little, but looking so offensively radiant it didn’t matter. “I love you, Miles. And I always will.”

Pause for awwws.