I felt a light pat on my arm and looked down to see Oliver looking up at me with an expression that, to my surprise, was far closer to saying You can do this than Why are you making a fool of me in public.

“I suppose…I can say…that she’s my best friend.” Brilliant start, Luc. Just keep doing facts, and you’ll be done before you know it. “And, actually, that’s…sort of everything? She’s…the best. She’s always there for me, even when I’m not there for her. She’s good in a crisis, even though she thinks she isn’t. She’s kind and she’s generous and she sees the good in people, and I wish I could be more like her.” Fuck, was I tearing up? Bring it back with a joke. “I was going to tell an embarrassing story,” I tried, “but I realised it would sound like I was bitter about that one time she stole my boyfriend. Which would be particularly petty since she’s now marrying him.” I turned to the groom. “Tom…yeah, right call, mate. You’ve got great taste.”

There. That was a conclusion. I sat down. And was just congratulating myself on a job well done, or at least a job not fucked up too terribly, when I remembered the job had a bit more to it. So, like Chumbawamba, I got back up again.

“Um,” I said. “I think I’m also supposed to thank a bunch of people, but as you might have noticed, I’ve kind of lost my notes which means I’ve forgotten who I’m supposed to be thanking and for what.” I briefly wondered-slash-hoped this was a wedding-themed anxiety dream. But, no, I was definitely here, definitely awake, definitely blowing my maid-of-honour speech. “Whoever you are,” I went on with wild optimism, “thank you very much. You’re great.” I very nearly sat down again when I realised I had to make a toast as well. “To Tom and Bridge. Who are also great.”

There was one of those silences you don’t ever want to hear during a speech.

“To Tom and Bridget,” said Oliver firmly. “Who are also great.”

“To Tom and Bridget, who are also great,” the room dutifully echoed.

And I sat down faster than I had ever sat down in my life.

“Well done.” Oliver leaned in to kiss me on the cheek.

Thank God that was over. Now I could just sit here and clap politely while the next person… Fuck. I sprang up again. “Shit. Um, the best man.”