The music crescendoed and Bridge sailed on, and Bridge’s train very much…didn’t. We’d been aware there was a lot of it, but between me and the bridesmaids we’d managed to kind of carry it as a bundle without getting a full sense of its terrifying magnificence. Now, however, it was unfolding like a giant snake in an exploitative B movie. And because we hadn’t had the foresight to stretch it back in a straight line from the door, it was also cornering really badly, meaning it was dragging heavily past the aisle and making aggressive moves at the guests. A hapless second cousin had to snatch her child out of its way.

At last, Bridge was at the altar and the bridesmaids were twenty-five feet away, wrangling a cascade of silk that had already swallowed three chairs.

“Dearly beloved,” began Judy in her loudest posh-person voice, which was pretty damn loud. “Oh, I say, that’s fun, isn’t it? I haven’t said that in years. We are gathered here today to celebrate the union of this woman, Bridget Dawn Welles, and this chap, Thomas No Middle Name Ballantyne. Then, once the party’s over, they’re going to go and do the legal bit at an actual registry office.”

I could hardly see because I was miles away, but Bridge seemed happy enough, despite the somewhat unorthodox delivery. And Tom had the same look of slightly dazed contentment that every bridegroom has had on his face since the beginning of time.

Judy, too, seemed to be having the time of her life. “Now, I’m meant to say something about marriage and how jolly seriously you’re supposed to take it. But, honestly, I’ve always thought it works best when it’s a bit of a laugh. My most successful by far was my fifth husband. We kept each other in stitches constantly. Then one evening we were out on his yacht and he laughed so hard, he fell overboard and was eaten by a shark. And, as I’ve told every man I’ve ever slept with, it doesn’t matter how you start or how you finish, it’s the bits in the middle that matter. All of which said, I hope this wedding will be a wonderful start to Tom and Bridget’s life together.” She paused for about half a second. “Now. Vows.”