Fuck, we were going to have to break up. We were going to have to tell all the nice people who had RSVP’ed months ago—because Oliver had started sending invitations out before Christmas—that actually, on second thought, we weren’t getting married after all and also we were leaving each other because we’d each independently decided the other person sucked and so now we were both available if anyone was interested. Not that anyone should be, on my end at least, because I had a crap job and couldn’t make French toast.

Then I’d get drunk, rock up at Miles and JoJo’s house, and beg Miles to take me back or at least let me in on a threesome.

Okay, there was a tiny, tiny, very slight possibility I was spiralling.

My phone buzzed. I didn’t look at it.

It buzzed again. I didn’t look at it again.

The buzzing and the not-looking continued until I ran out of not-looking energy.

Lucien I know you’re upset but I’m at your flat. Said the first text.

If you’re inside, please let me know. Said the second.

Or if you aren’t, please let me know where you are. Said the third.

Not where you are necessarily. It’s okay if you want some privacy.

I understand.

But I’m worried something has happened.

Not that I don’t think you can take care of yourself.

But well…

Sorry that was probably a bit dramatic, actually texting an ellipsis.

But well I’ve recently had a poor track record with arguing with people and then having them immediately die.

And I know rationally that hasn’t happened.

At least it’s very unlikely that it’s happened.

But I’m worried it has happened.

Which I know isn’t your fault and isn’t your problem.

But if you could just text me and let me know that you’re okay.

When you’re ready.

Sorry I’m being clingy.

Take your time.

I’m just worried.

Lucien?

Are you okay?

Lucien I’m very worried.

Sorry. I didn’t mean to get like that. Take as long as you need.

Lucien?

I shouldn’t have texted back hello i am a murderer i took lucs phone hes dead now, but I did.

I also shouldn’t have followed it up with bet you wish youd got that dj. But I did that too.

Lucien you are not funny.

who is lucien i am a murderer

For a moment I thought I’d gone too far. But eventually Oliver came back with Then how did you know about the DJ?

luc told me, I texted back, while i was murdering him. I hit Send, then immediately followed it up with he said o no if only oliver had let me have a dj i wouldnt have been walking down this dark alley where im getting murdered.