“I don’t have any daughters,” Mum replied. “And anyway Luc is a gay so—”

“Can we please not have the gay-as-a-noun conversation again?” I asked.

Mum shook her head. “Not now, Luc, this is very important.”

It took me a moment to realise that the very important thing that she was discussing was why it was okay for her to take over my and Oliver’s wedding. “Slow down a minute. It’s generous of you, Mum, but we really don’t need you to pay for anything.”

“Well, I was just speaking to Oliver, and he said it was very kind of me.”

“Yes, but that’s because in his world ‘It’s very kind of you’ is code for ‘I’m too polite to say no.’”

Bearing four bowls of extra-special vegan special curry with a dexterity that should have been impossible for anybody who hadn’t been a professional waiter, Oliver emerged from the kitchen. “Did I hear my name?”

“I was just explaining to Luc,” said Mum before I could get a word in edgeways, “that you were very happy for me to pay for your wedding.”

“Actually”—he started handing out curry—“I’m afraid Lucien’s right. What I said was that it was very kind of you, which is true. But doesn’t technically signal approval. You see, there are also downsides to having a son who’s a lawyer.”

Mum sighed. “So I am seeing. Bon. I have swapped you back.”

“Still not a swapping situation,” I reminded her.

She ignored me. “Stop trying to change the subject. Why do you not want me to pay for the wedding? I am old, I am rich, and I want to be part of your special day.”

“You will be part of my special day,” I told her. “You can walk me down the aisle or something. But I wouldn’t feel comfortable taking your money, and you’re not buying me cocaine.”

She folded her arms stubbornly. “Luc, if anyone is going to buy you cocaine, it should be your mother. I know the best kinds, I know the best people. Of course, a lot of them are dead because…well. Cocaine dealers, they often have very unhealthy lifestyles. Long hours, bad diet. And it’s a very stressful business.”

“We have some savings.” That was Oliver, poking nervously at the extra-special vegan special curry. “At least, I have some savings. Lucien made the mistake of going into the charitable sector.”

“Well, that is even worse,” cried Mum. “That means Oliver is paying for the whole thing like you are one of those brides that you order through the mail.”