It’s because of Ruth. Chase and I have never fought like that before, and it’s her fault. I was naive enough to think that things could really change, but again, she’s in trouble and causing more of it. He’s colder with me now, less open, as if he’s a season in flux. He’s taken to going to bed earlier so that by the time I get there after working late, he’s already asleep and there’s no way of communicating with him. We jump if our feet touch in the night. Meanwhile, he and Ruth seem to be warming up more and more. I told her not to talk about the past, and so she found a loophole—she told him something about the present. She had no right to mention Sully.

It’s almost a direct transfer of happiness: what I lose, she scoops up. Chase hands Ruth the TV remote whenever they sit down on the couch. It’s the simplest gesture, but it feels loaded. She carries his plates to the sink. Maybe I should be glad they’re getting on so well—we’re family, after all. Except I know what really goes on in families, how tangled and competitive they can become. How broken. One family member’s prosperity is so often another’s downfall, and Sully’s right: it’s a jostle, a teeter-totter. I’ve seen enough of that to last a lifetime.

At home, I can’t do anything without being scrutinized. Chase is watching me like scientists watch mice. Interesting behavior, he’s thinking when I do or don’t take coffee with me to work. I wonder what that means, when I check my email as soon as it dings on my phone. I don’t like answering work stuff at home, but a lot of people are on vacation or stress leave and I’m covering for them. Maybe Chase is right to be disapproving. We usually try to make use of his summer schedule to spend our free time together, but so far, Ruth has gotten in the way of that. If I’m not at work, I’m running errands for her, getting her baby stuff. I’ve given up telling Chase that none of my work emergencies have to do with Sully. Ruth has made sure that he won’t ever believe me.

The truth is, I haven’t even seen Sully for a week—work’s been so busy—although if I’m honest, part of me has been avoiding him. Chase is just so uptight about him. Why invite more confusion? I can’t tell if I’m asking that for Chase or for me. Instead, I’ve thrown myself into working overtime at the office, which is ironically the calmest environment I know at the moment. At least there, the chaos is on the outside. At least there, I know what I’m dealing with.