I take his head in both of my hands, hold his face above mine for a second. “I did a bad thing when I was younger. I haven’t told you everything.”

“I don’t care about that.” His mouth is hungry, his hands full of desire.

“But if you talk to Ruth, she might—”

“I love you,” he says again. “I love you, I love you, I love you.”

I pull him toward me and kiss him again, relaxing into the feeling of both of us washing away. I have everything I came for. Everything I need. And there’s nothing Ruth can do to change it.

RUTH

It takes me a long time to untangle Alex’s lies for Chase, all of our past, our history—Pim, her abortion, how she made my boyfriend the one to blame and how my parents believed every word she said. It’s dusky outside the window as we sit together on the couch, the clock ticking toward nine. Chase’s legs are splayed in front of him, his body slithered halfway down the cushions like how they show exhaustion in a cartoon.

“So what now?” he asks. “God, I can’t even separate anything in my head.”

“I have to meet with Eli.”

“You’re not really planning on doing that, are you?” He lolls his head toward me. “I read the ten a.m. rendezvous text, but you’d be nuts to go.”

“What else am I meant to do? I don’t know where the drugs are.” I sigh, exhausted, too. If ever I’ve needed a drink it’s now, and I have the feeling Chase would join me.

“So that’s your plan? You’re just going to show up and tell him you’re sorry?” He runs a heavy hand over top of his head. “I’m not a master planner, Ruth, but even I know that’s a shitty one.”

“I think I have to do that. Or he’ll never go away.”

“What if—” Chase sits up a little. “What if the drugs are here? What if Alex has hidden them?”

“I don’t think she’d take that risk. Plus, where would she hide them?” I look around. “There aren’t many secret spots.”

“It’s worth a shot.” He heaves himself up and starts opening the kitchen cupboards, messing up the neatly ordered contents inside. It’s unlike him to be this chaotic, to allow such disorder.

“Chase. Stop. Hey, slow down for a minute.” I want to help him because he’s so clearly in pain. And all of this is pointless. I know Alex too well to really believe she’ll leave anything unguarded in the loft.

“Do you think she’s at Sully’s right now?” Chase asks as he kneels on the kitchen floor, ignoring me, continuing to dig into a cabinet.