My belly is humped now—there’s no disguising the fact that I’m pregnant. It was as if, after meeting with Dr. Trevalley, the whole middle section of my body relaxed and I popped right out. Days later, I felt the baby move, too—a strange, feathery feeling, like bubbles escaping into the deepest chamber of me—and it wasn’t only excitement that flooded me. Before, when I wasn’t physically that different, the notion of motherhood felt idyllic. Now, shit’s getting real. I have moments of panic, where I wonder if—in a lifetime’s catalog of bad decisions—this is the very worst of them. I won’t be good enough for this child, and there’s no going back now.

One night when only Alex is home, I get her to feel the baby as it’s kicking. She’s working on something at her laptop, but I hurry over to her, reach for her arm.

“What are you doing?” she says, and her arm goes rigid.

“Showing you. Feel!” It’s like trying to grapple a joystick, but when I finally get Alex’s hand to rest on my belly, a calm comes over her face and she exhales like the world is right again.

“Isn’t that the weirdest shit?” I say.

“It’s not weird, Ruth; it’s amazing.” She takes her hand back.

“No, I know, but it is a little bit weird, too. It’s like there’s an alien in there, trapped in a bag.”

“Jesus,” she says, and she goes back to her work.

I feel the baby move daily now, and the sensation is becoming more defined. Soon I’ll be able to see it kicking under my skin, otherworldly, my little sci-fi plotline. I always feel happy when Chase gets home again. He continues to be more thrilled about the pregnancy than anyone.

He likes having me at the loft. He tells me that growing a baby boy takes more energy than is needed to climb to the top of Mount Everest. I don’t know how he knows this, or why he assumes I’m carrying a son, but it’s good that he’s interested. It means he’s less likely to throw me out any time soon.

“Motherhood is the most powerful thing,” he says more than once. “Good things are coming for you, Ruth. I can totally tell.”

“Thanks,” I say, wondering if that’s true. It’s been almost two months now and I haven’t heard anything from Pittsburgh. Maybe I really have put my past behind me. Maybe it won’t track me down.

Beside me on the couch, Chase hesitates. “Alex and I talked about starting a family, but unfortunately it’s not going to happen for us.”

“Really?” I make an effort to sit up. “Why not?”

“She’s not able to have children.”