“Holy shit,” I breathed, stunned.

“Yeah, it was bad. I heard the next week when we went back that the guy had a pretty severe concussion and still didn’t remember his own name.” Garret stretched his legs out in front of him, getting comfortable. “The promoter asked Ryan if he wanted in on the fights, and before Vito or Bennie could convince him it was a bad idea, he agreed. He’s a beast in the cage, sis, but he likes taking hits a little too much for my peace of mind.”

“But why?” I didn’t understand why Ryan would want anyone to hit him. After everything he’d been through with his mom when he was just a toddler, I figured he wouldn’t allow anyone to even touch him with violence without losing his mind.

“It’s the pain,” my brother confessed. “He likes it.” My confusion must have shown on my face because he muttered a curse and went on. “When we found you…or whoever the fuck that was, Ryan shut down. We went on the hunt for Sheena, but he was like an automaton. He was there physically, but he was just…empty. Without you, the poor guy is heartless, Nova. You’re the one who made him human. When we lost you, the Ryan we all knew disappeared, leaving us with the shell he is now.”

I tried to digest that, but it was hard. Guilt pressed down on me. If I’d gone home right away, Ryan wouldn’t have been put through all this pain. He wouldn’t be the heartless robot he’d turned into without me.

Garret must have sensed that I needed some alone time, because he grabbed a blanket out of the storage area and settled in to sleep. I sat there, curled up in a ball in my chair and tried not to cry. All this time, I’d considered Ryan the villain for not coming for me. But in reality, it was me. I was the one in the wrong.

It was a hard pill to swallow, but I had to own up to my mistake.

And figure out a way to make it up to the man I loved.

48

Ryan

My alarm went off, pulling me from the best dream I could ever remember having. Nova had been spooned behind me, her soft touch brushing over my skin, her lips pressed into the center of my back. Even as I shifted, I could still feel her, as if she’d actually been there.

For the first time in forever, I was able to fully inhale without it hurting, but it left me feeling restless. Waiting. Wanting. In my dream, she had been so close, her presence still lingered in my wakefulness. Turning, I touched where she’d been behind me in my dream. I could map out her outline, and part of me was convinced that her heat still lingered even though I knew she was never actually there. My head was playing games with me, and that void deep in my soul wasn’t the least bit soothed by the trick my mind was playing.