“Hara—”

“No. Please. No more. I’ve heard enough.” I wanted all the answers, and now that I have them, I’m more confused than ever.

After Mom leaves, I take a bottle of soju and go out to the tiny deck. The little pottery dish that Jules uses to stub out her cigarettes rests by my hand. The smell of the burned ashes and smoke infects this corner space. I take a deep breath and wish I had a smoke of my own. Maybe the nicotine would calm my racing mind. Time passes; the sun lowers its head, and the summer day grows chilly. I don’t move, not even when Jules comes out to set a dish of fruit by my hand.

My new phone vibrates—once and then twice. I drop my head against the back of my hand and wish I could shut the world out. I remember that moment when I slipped into the river. Under the water, there’s no sound. It’s complete silence. I can see why people seek it. I don’t wish for that, but I understand. The one side of me argues that Ellen did raise me, her fears are valid, she was abandoned, too. The other side is ashamed of how I acted in front of Wansu. She’s suffered a lot and I added a bunch of shit on top of her pain, thinking mine was the only valid hurt out there. She deserves something from me, but what she asks for is so much.

The phone beeps again. I take a swig of the soju for courage and turn my device over.

BOMI: I’m sorry for everything. I hope you can forgive me. I do regard you as a friend although I understand if you do not believe this. Yujun said it would be okay for me to reach out. Don’t be mad at him, though. You know how he is.

Yeah, I do. He wants the people he cares about to be happy. I don’t reply because I don’t know what I want to say. I feel like I’m being forced to forgive everyone. Can’t a girl be mad for even a day? Damn. Yujun’s message is next.

YUJUN: I can’t believe I’m eating dinner without you.

He sends me a picture of a box of takeout. My stomach growls at the sight of food. I haven’t eaten all day.

YUJUN: I wanted to come by but thought I should wait for an invitation. Please send me one.

A laugh bursts through. He’s so endearing and the only one who deserves a response.

ME: My American mom showed up. I’m not in a good place right now.

YUJUN: Ah. Then you are busy. Call me when you are not. I would like to see you. I went to the river tonight and it said it missed you. Or maybe that was me.

My eyesight blurs while reading his text and I blink back tears. Can I really give him up?

My life is full of questions and there are no answers. For now, the only thing I am certain of is this—