I use the term date loosely. It’s more like we’re approaching the final round in Mortal Kombat. I’m about to finish his ass.

I have been talking with “Josh” every chance I get. In fact, he calls me every night before I go to bed. We talk for hours, and I find myself forgetting who’s really on the other side of the phone. Our conversations are effortless. We laugh and flirt. When we hang up, I’m left with a false sense of hope. Why can’t Jaxon really be Josh? Or do I want Josh to really be Jaxon?

Whatever. You get my point. This is confusing.

But if Jaxon’s plan is to fuck with my head, then I’m going to need to fuck with his twice as bad. Tonight, I’m kicking my texting up a notch.

Me: Hey. Whatcha doing?

Jaxon: Cooking dinner. Thinking about you.

Me: You cook?

Jaxon: *picture*

Me: That looks delicious. I love shrimp.

Me: Take a selfie. Let me see you cooking.

Jaxon: *picture*

Me: Did you take your shirt off just for that picture? Or are you really cooking with no clothes on?

Jaxon: No point in wearing clothes when I’m here alone.

Me: Don’t burn yourself. Hot oil splatters.

Jaxon: Let me get this straight. I send you a picture of my dinner and you tell me how delicious it looks. I send you a picture of my sexy body and all you can think about is cooking safety?

Me: LOL good point. Let me try again …

Me: Daaaaaammmmmmnnnnnn you look fine

Jaxon: I feel like you’re being sarcastic but I’m going to pretend that you’re not

Me: Totally not being sarcastic. I’ve looked at your abs 5 times since you sent it.

Jaxon: Really?

Jaxon: I mean, of course you did. *sunglasses emoji*

Me: I guess it’s only fair that I send you a picture back

Jaxon: YES. YES YOU SHOULD.

Me: *picture*

Jaxon: I’m not even sure what I’m looking at. Is that your ankle?

Me: Sexy, right?

Jaxon: Hottest ankle I’ve ever seen

If I’m going to mess with Jaxon, I need to commit to this 100%. I stand in the middle of my bedroom and strip down to my bra and thong. He’s already seen me in a bathing suit, right?

After inspecting myself from every angle in the mirror, I take a deep breath and proceed with the next phase in my plan.

Me: I’m just kidding. This is what I really meant to send.

Me: *picture*

Two seconds after my half-naked selfie is delivered, my phone rings.

“Hello?”

“I can’t believe you just sent me that picture.”

I giggle. “You sent me a half-naked picture, so I figured I should return the favor.”

“I’m not complaining. I just didn’t expect that.”