Somehow I know they’re from my men.

I’m referring to them as my men now? Ugh.

The question is, how did they get my address?

My head moves on a swivel, zeroing in on my purse where I left it, hanging on top of my jacket. I’m on my feet, zipping across the apartment under the suspicious eye of Shayna, taking out my wallet to find my identification is missing. I haven’t needed it since yesterday, so I wouldn’t have noticed it was gone. They must have taken it when they ambushed me at the Times. Or one of them took it, rather. But they’re all accomplices, as far as I’m concerned.

“Gabe,” I say through my teeth. “I can’t believe I sent him a yoga pants selfie today. I am going to—”

The buzzer sounds off again.

Slowly, I turn to look at Shayna and I’m greeted by an arched eyebrow. “Maybe he forgot you needed to sign something?”

“Yeah, probably.” I hit the talk button. “Yes?”

“Delivery.”

“That’s not the same voice,” Shayna points out.

“I know.” I lean in toward the speaker again. “Delivery from where? For who?”

“Jesus, I don’t know. Uh…the slip says ‘Tobias’ something?” he says. “Is that you?”

With a headache starting to pound behind my eyes, I let the delivery man into the building. “I hope they are enjoying their last moments on earth right now, because tonight I’m going to kill them.”

Shayna clears her throat. “What was that?”

“Nothing,” I croak. Sliding the chain lock back into its groove, I open the door a couple of inches. I find a man holding a gigantic eggplant wrapped in a yellow bow. “Great. That’s just lovely,” I grumble, desperately searching my jacket pockets for more tip money, surprised when Shayna’s arm appears over my shoulder, two singles folded between her middle and forefingers. “Thanks,” I say a minute later when I’ve closed the door.

And now I’m standing here with an eggplant.

Shayna gestures to the purple vegetable, also known as the universal symbol for dick, and the bouquets on the coffee table. “What’s all this?”

“This? Nothing.” Quickly, I toss the eggplant into my bedroom where it bounces twice on the bed, before coming to a rest on my pillow, no doubt leaving the world’s biggest dick print. Tobias would be delighted. “Sorry about the interruption,” I say, collaring a vase under each arm and waddling them toward my bedroom. “Plans for tonight?” I call.

Shayna is silent for a few beats. “Yeah, meeting up with some school friends in the West Village.” She pauses. “You’re welcome to join.”

I pause inside my room where she can’t see me and pinch my eyes closed. Dang, I thought we’d reached the point where she’d given up on inviting me places. It’s not that I don’t want to go, but…the effort it would take to maintain a friendship with my roommate? All that work and then one day, she’ll just move out. Or I will. We’ll move on. We’ll lose touch and I will have nothing but memories to show for it. Memories that make me sad.