“Not now! Not this today!” I wanted to scream but I couldn’t because my tongue was dead in my mouth.

Today was meant to be a big day. I was going to meet the other kids going to Hawaii. I was going to have a whole day with them, maybe make friends. Mum and I had planned it all. I was going to wear my new jeans and a sweater that used to be Cara’s, with the stars and stripes flag embroidered on the front. Today I was going to be funny and friendly and kind, like a normal teenager. But instead I’m on another hospital ward with two old women who frown and chew their mouths when they see me, because there’s no space for me on the kids’ ward. Today all my muscles ache from the seizure and a tooth in the back of my mouth has crumbled because I was grinding my teeth so hard. Today another doctor is scratching her head and saying “More tests?” like I’m a crossword she can’t figure out.

They thought the epilepsy was a hangover from the bacterial meningitis I had when I was little but now they reckon, with my arrhythmia, it could mean something else is going on with my heart. I didn’t recognize the doctor but Mum did. She’s good like that, she says it helps to make a connection with the doctors and nurses. I pretended to be asleep, worried that if I tried to talk I’d only cry and that would make Mum cry, which is worse than anything. She’s better at talking about what’s going on anyway.

“Are you OK, Megan?” The doctor had a quiet, posh voice.

“Oh, don’t worry about me, Sarah, I’m just devastated for Gracie. She was supposed to go to Hawaii in a week’s time with the Wishmakers. She’s never been abroad, never been anywhere. It’s all she’s talked about. I’m sad for her, that’s all.”

“I’m so sorry, Meg, really I am. You know it could be her heart causing these new seizures, but until we know for sure we just can’t risk her traveling. It must be a long flight to Hawaii.”

“I was worried you were going to say that.” Mum sniffed. She tries hard not to cry in front of doctors but sometimes she can’t help it.

“She’ll be devastated, but you’re right. It’s not worth the risk. I’ll call the charity now to get it over with.”

“Perhaps they could put her on the list for the trip next year?”

Behind my eyelids I could see Mum shaking her head. My stomach felt like a ball of stale chewing gum. Of course they won’t change the rules just for me. I’ll be eighteen next year, this year was my last chance and my stupid, broken body has messed it up for me again. When I was on my own for a moment I made my hand into a fist under the covers and thumped my chest to show my idiot heart how it should beat, slow and regular like everyone else’s. The movement pulled the cannula in my hand and made me out of breath. I let myself imagine the dolphins, picture how it would feel to be with new friends in the sunshine just one more time before I closed the door on them for good. I won’t let them back. Like Mum always says, we’re not hippos, we don’t wallow. Besides, there are so many other people worse off than me. I might not be able to move my legs and the seizures are painful and my heart hurts but I have more love in my life than most people. I have Mum.