She started to unhook her dress, unable to reach the tiny pearl buttons with her trembling fingers. She covered her face with her hands, seeing another bedroom, warm and pretty, and herself lying in bed terrified in case Henry came in and woke her. It was the fear of the unknown that frightened her so. Would Joshua want what he’d wanted? Would he want her to put her hands and lips in secret places that made her feel faint just thinking about them? Would he want her naked and open, kneeling on the bed, her tears seeming to spur him on. Was that what the priest meant when he said children were born through pain? The pain of rough hands and humiliation and fear?

She searched the room with wild eyes, as if expecting a doorway to appear so she could run through it and escape. She closed her eyes tightly and tried to stem the burning tears that were filling up her eyes. Tried to stop the erratic beating of her heart. She could smell her own fear and it spurred her terror on to new heights.

She heard him tapping out his pipe in the fireplace, the rat-tat-tat like an explosion in the silence. She held her breath, ears straining to pick up the sounds as he shut the kitchen door and made his way up the stairs. His tread was heavy, new shoes creaking with each movement of his feet. The breath was hurting her chest and she let it out noisily. A fine layer of sweat was covering her body. The armpits of the dress were wet now. As the bedroom door swung open she groaned in fright. Her whole body seemed to be stiff and unyielding, her legs rooted to the floor.

‘Come on, Ei, aren’t you undressed yet?’ The words were low, spoken in a cajoling whisper.

Her face, strained and white, devoid of colour, stared at him in dumb terror. He unbuckled his trousers, a loud belch escaping from his lips. The trousers dropped to the floor and he stepped from them.

‘Let’s get some light in here.’

As he turned to put the light on she croaked out through stiff lips: ‘No ... No, please, Joshua. I’m frightened.’

He turned to her, a smile on his lips.

‘I’m sorry, Ei, I’m forgetting it’s your first time.’ He sat beside her on the bed, taking hold of her hand. ‘Stop your shivering, girl, we’ll soon warm each other up.’

Eileen saw his face in the dimness. He had drunk too much and his face was ruddy. His thick lips gleamed and his eyes looked empty. Like vacant sockets. She pulled her hand from his and stood up.

‘I can’t, Joshua, I can’t ...’