At the same time, I wasn’t sure I had a choice. Something deep in my gut was tugging at me, a part of my mind that was walled off begged for the blockade to be shattered. There was no voice in my head, yet it was there all the same. My duty did not involve, could not involve, personal feelings. No emotions. No grudges. No pain. Nothing. I was the stag and the stag’s job was to keep balance in the world, to find and eliminate threats that would have that balance destroyed. It didn’t matter what I wanted. It was what the stag had to do. I could hate it all I wanted, I could refuse to do it as Janneke the human, but Janneke the stag would do it whether Janneke the human wanted to or not.

“Janneke?” Soren’s voice brought me back to the world, and I tried to discreetly wipe any trace of tears from my face. “Are you okay? Where’s Donnar?”

“He left,” I said, trying to keep my voice light.

“What did he want with you?”

Soren’s concern was written plainly on his face, and it killed me to lie to him. But I couldn’t tell him the truth when I wasn’t even exactly sure what the truth was. How could I tell him what was going on when I didn’t know myself?

I shook my head. “I’m not entirely sure.”

Soren stepped forward and rested a hand on my shoulder. “You look exhausted,” he said. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

No. I feel like I’m going to break into a million pieces. I feel like I’m drowning. But I couldn’t tell him that. I didn’t know how. Asking for help was still not one of my strong suits.

“I didn’t sleep well last night,” I said. At least it was partly true.

“Maybe you should rest,” Soren said. “The Permafrost won’t fall into pieces without you for twenty-four hours.”

I snorted. “I was only gone for about an hour when you tried to kill Tibra. Not that I blame you for it.”

He brushed a loose lock of my hair behind my ear, fingertips gently running over my cheek. My skin flushed where his fingers touched and the reaction made him smile with satisfaction. “I promise, I’ll be good. Besides, you look like you really need it. Are you sure you’re okay?”

I caught his hand in mine and held it to my cheek. “I’ll be fine. I promise. It’s stress.” The understatement of the century.

Gods, I wanted to tell him. The secrets inside of me ached to be let out. Seppo, Rose, and Diaval knew and I was fine with that, so then, what scared me so much about Soren knowing? Even Donnar knew more than him—granted it was probably because he caused the problem in the first place.