“There’s still a party going on,” she said with a laugh in her voice. She was holding me down, but just barely. I could have shoved her off with a subliminal nudge.

She kept her hand over my mouth while she twisted my little left breast with three fingers. I made these pathetic whimpering sounds into her palm. I thought I sounded like a poor imitation of girls in porn, and I wanted her to push me to a point where that didn’t matter to me anymore.

“Harder.” I whispered it this time.

Red and green sparks flew in front of my eyes. I grabbed her arm and squeaked.

She let go of me and kissed my mouth hard. With her other hand she was reaching into my underwear and her fingers found my asshole. She put her face very close to mine.

“Is this okay?” she said.

I nodded.

She nudged me onto my hands and knees and pressed down on the small of my back. I felt her reach over me to one side of the bed and get a little bottle of lube.

That gave me some time to come back into my body, there with my face sideways on her bed. I read the spines of her books stacked next to the bed. Some of them were in German, and there was that one novel from the trans press that folded years ago. I wondered if it was worth reading. She stuck one finger in me, then two, and I pressed my face into the mattress. It felt good in a way that wasn’t obvious at first, but when I settled into it I felt lucky, so lucky, I almost didn’t believe what I was feeling, and then it was over.

When we had cleaned ourselves off and were laying next to each other, I didn’t think to tell her that it was my first time as a woman. It didn’t feel like I had made a beginning at having sex, it felt like I had wandered into the middle of a game with established rules that I had successfully picked up fast enough. No need to belabor the point.

We went back to gossiping about Nadine, the only topic we had in common, and devised improbable solutions for her life, laughing to each other. She held me until we both fell asleep.

♒

On the train platform the next day I fretted about the text I wanted to send her. I had woken up at 7 a.m. totally alert, and I had to be at work in a couple hours. I left her still curled up in the fetal position, facing away from me.

Hey woke up a little early and didn’t want to wake you up so I left. Are you free soon?

Woke up early and didn’t want to wake you. When can I see you again?

Last night was so lovely, when are you free?