Sam seems to see it, and he reaches out to brush my fringe back in a soft gesture. The hint of kindness causes a fatal crack in the dam of my resistance. Tears start flowing and I hold my breath to keep it all back. He never breaks eye contact. When I can speak I have to force the words past my lips: ‘They don’t give back what they took.’

Rhi shoves her head into her knees, again muffling her crying. There’s a harsher edge to it this time. Suppressed sobs make my teeth chatter, my whole body shaking as I fight what I am thinking. Sam’s eyes turn sad, and he pulls me into his arms.

‘I know,’ he whispers into my hair.

A sound comes out of me then, like a wounded animal. Guttural and raw. I cry like I haven’t with Dad, or Nan. Sam holds me close, murmuring comforting sounds that make no sense. Nothing can reach me in this world of pain. My heart refuses to accept what my head is saying, and they are tearing me in two.

Eventually, the tears slow. I remember myself enough to be aware of my cousin, and feel embarrassed by my breakdown. ‘Thank you,’ I murmur, before scooting out of Sam’s arms and over to Rhi; we wrap each other in a hug. Sam pulls May into his arms and we all rest our backs together. The four of us stay close, huddling in the centre of the light, and watch the shadows. Every time the light drops low, they edge closer. Twin red lights dot the entire area, under cars, around trees, crouching low in the scrub, watching. The weird musty smell I’d caught a whiff of last night is suffocating.

We wait as long as we can to add the next branches to the fires. My heart climbs into my throat, my breath comes faster. Watching them come closer. Drowning in their scent.

Around and around we go till I think I might lose it. Around and around till it feels like this is all there is in the world.

I have no idea how long we sit there like that. It feels like forever.

The wood pile shrinks. And takes my hope with it.

There is still the option to walk out there. To give them what they want. I’d sacrifice myself but save three people doing it. I can’t think of Mum, I try not to think much of anything.

The necklace sits heavy in my pocket.

The first thrum of sound is like an illusion, till small flickers of light stream through the trees. The deep embankment we’re sitting in means there’s no way anyone from the road can see us unless they drive to the very top and look down. People come out here all the time without going to the crest. I try so hard not to get my hopes up.