He knelt beside the bed, looking like he was at war with himself, torn between two agonizing extremes. Finally, he closed his eyes and sighed, and when he opened them, it was clear he had made his decision.

“You looked so beautiful tonight,” he said with a sad smile. “It was devastating, you know.” His fingers smoothed over my cheek. “Once again, I have been such a fool.”

I tried to turn my head, but still couldn’t. I think he picked up my efforts, because he leaned over so that I could see him better. “I’m going to tell you something,” he said, “because I can’t go on like this. And I’m going to do it now because you don’t have the strength to argue or fight me or walk away. It seems like that’s all we do lately, and it’s killing me.”

I stared at him, and deep in my numb chest, I felt the tremors of my unsteady heart.

“From the moment I met you, nothing has been the same. You were a burst of color and fire after decades of gray. All my wishes and wants, wrapped up in the most frustratingly lovely package.” His eyes stroked over my face. “But when I said I could let you go, when I said I could stop loving you, I meant every word. And since that moment, I’ve tried very hard to do just that. To turn it off, cut it out …” He bowed his head. “To try to feel something for someone else, hoping it would make what I feel for you fade away.”

Something warm streaked down my face, and Malachi followed it with his gaze, his expression turning pained as he caught the tear with his finger.

“I believed I would be a better Guard if I felt nothing for you. I was good before I met you, and I wanted that back. It didn’t matter how much it hurt me. I believed I had earned every moment of unhappiness with all my mistakes.” He lifted his fingertip, gazing at the crystal drop in the light. “I’m so sorry for causing you pain, Lela. I’ve missed you every second … the things we had, that we could have had. All the times I could have comforted you. Encouraged you. Touched you.” His lips curled up at one corner, all bitterness. “As it turns out, after pushing you away, I’m not a better Guard. Quite the opposite. And despite my best efforts, I don’t feel any less for you than I did before. In fact, as I’ve watched you shoulder your responsibilities, as I’ve felt you grow stronger with every fight, as I’ve seen how all these things hurt you and yet somehow cannot defeat you, I’ve only fallen deeper.”