They’re queued off the stage and down the side of the room; till Hawkgirl come in, till Superman and The Flash come in, till Hourman, till The Green Lantern, till Black Terror, till Speedboy and NoMan come in, till Dagar the Invincible, till The Raven!, till The Unknown Soldier and Captain Ireland, till The Sub-Mariner come in, till The Human Torch, till Wonder Woman, till The Thing, till Vampirella and Spitfire come in, and the heroes file onstage, one by one, and they’re playing ‘We Are the Champions’ by Queen (it’s a classic, come on, it’s a fucking classic) and everybody in the audience is singing along. Superman is bound in fake chains that he snaps in an almighty show of force. Green Lantern zaps a guy dressed in a gorilla costume. Wonder Woman lassoes a chair and drags it across the stage. The Sub-Mariner does a slow-motion walk, like he’s walking on the bottom of the sea. The Human Torch has strips of bright-orange paper hanging from him that trail like flames as he runs. Speedboy is a blur as he leaps from the stage and makes a quick circuit of the hall. The Unknown Soldier peels his face off, it’s only just a plastic mask and underneath, a dark, black void. And now it’s our turn.

Wee Robin picks up the mic and she starts to read. Holy Blank Cartridge, she says. Holy Rats In A Trap! Holy Bowler! Holy Explosion. Holy Escape Hatch! Holy Missing Relatives. Holy Time Bomb.

Holy Waste Of Energy! She’s doing Robin from the TV show and everyone is cheering. Holy Nightmare! she says. Holy Shamrocks! Holy Gunpowder! Holy Fireworks! Holy Hallelujah! Holy Holy! Holy Holy! And Barney’s up next.

He clanks onstage in the full body armour and makes a signal for the microphone. Then he says to the host, this scrawny wee kid in specs and a pair of Spider-Man pyjamas, go ahead and punch me. Swing for me, Barney says to him. Give us your best shot. Punch me as hard as you like, he says to this goofy little kid. I’m Neutrino, he says, and I can take a fucking punch. I’m Neutrino, he says to him, and I’m not fucking scared, and the kid spreads his legs to steady himself, he holds his hands up in the air like a champion, and then he swings for him, and drives his fist straight into Neutrino’s body armour, which crumples beneath his knuckles. There’s a moment of silence, with Neutrino standing there, bent double, and then he turns to the crowd. I didn’t feel a fucking thing, Neutrino says, and the crowd goes fucking wild.

*