The website she’d sent him to wasn’t OnlyFans, it was some cheap Russian version. Eden had made a private account, inaccessible to anyone but him. At first, he’d been the only one commenting, but as days passed, anonymous accounts started adding their voices. They were either bots or Eden on a bunch of sock puppet accounts, but their presence enhanced his jealousy, his sense that he was just a loser among even bigger losers. And that was exactly what he wanted.

He’d never been comfortable with this kink. He was extroverted, confident, lucky. But behind closed doors, nothing got him harder than thinking he was some sad failure panting after a beautiful woman. He was probably sexualising something he already felt. He didn’t need football commentators to point out that he looked like Shrek and Sideshow Bob had a kid. That was well-trod ground by the time he was in high school. And as much as he knew women were still attracted to him, it was hard not to be insecure. With Eden, it was even harder. Of all the gorgeous chicks he’d dated, she was it with a cherry on top. The kind of woman that men stole diamonds for. Fought wars over. And now she was posting nudes on some sleazy website for him.

Willow sighed, pressing his phone into his chest. It had been a month since Eden had agreed to a fake relationship, and everything was going better than he’d hoped for. He’d first hinted at his fantasy when they’d gone to Sydney for Claudia Meccano’s party. He’d flown them first class, and when she stepped off the plane, Eden was pale green. “What if people know we’re faking? What if they know I’m not meant to be at the party?”

He’d kissed her. A good, deep one, and when they pulled apart, colour had returned to her cheeks. She’d smiled. “Is that your way of reassuring me?”

“It’s my way of saying fuck what people think, pretty girl.”

And because he was the luckiest guy alive, someone had filmed him reassuring Eden, put a Glass Animals song under it, and posted it to the #Sydneyvibe hashtag.

They arrived at the party to the news it had gone viral, had a million likes, and a repost to the Sydney Daily Mail with the caption ‘Hammers midfielder finds love with Melbourne DJ.’

“I can’t believe it,” Eden had whispered. “You are so good at this stuff.”

Willow decided not to tell her he’d been trying to get in The Daily Mail for years with zero success.