He put the glass of champagne down on the windowsill and turned to her. Finally, he let his gaze meet hers, and in his blue eyes she saw the kind of sadness that made her breath catch. He went to the bed, knelt beside it so that he was looking up at her. “You know what’s going on in the Middle East.”

His words were so unexpected that she just stared at him. “What?”

“There’s going to be a war, Katie. You know that. The whole world knows it.”

War.

The three letters coalesced into something as big and black as a thundercloud. She knew what this was about.

“I have to go.” The simple, quiet way he said it was worse than any yell.

“You said you lost your nerve.”

“There’s the irony; you gave it back to me. I’m tired of feeling like I failed, Katie. I need to prove to myself that I can do it this time.”

“And you want my blessing,” she said dully.

“I need it.”

“You’ll go no matter what I say, so why the big act?”

He came up on his knees, took her face in his hands, and held her steady. She tried to pull away, but he wouldn’t let her. “They need me. I’ve got experience.”

“I need you. Marah needs you, but that doesn’t matter, does it?”

“It matters.”

She felt the heat of tears flood her eyes; they blurred her vision.

“If you say no, I won’t go.”

“Okay, no. You can’t go. I won’t let you. I love you, Johnny. You could die over there.”

He let go of her, sat back on his heels, and stared at her. “Is that your answer?”

The tears fell, streaked down her cheeks. Angrily, she wiped them away. She wanted to say, Yes. Fuck, yes. That’s my answer.

But how could she deny him this? Not only was it what he wanted, but down even deeper, there was something else, that tattered, ugly remnant of fear that floated to the surface sometimes, reminded her that he’d loved Tully first. It made Kate afraid to deny him anything. She wiped her eyes again. “Promise me you won’t die, Johnny.”

He climbed into bed and took her in his arms and while she held him as tightly as she could, already it didn’t feel safe. It felt as if he were dissolving in her embrace, disappearing bit by bit. “I promise I won’t die.”

They were empty words, made worse by the fervor with which he spoke.

She couldn’t help thinking of this morning, when she’d woken with the feeling that something would go wrong today. “I mean it, Johnny. If you die over there I’ll hate you forever. I swear to God I will.”

“You know you’ll always love me.”